Read the original question here.
The easy part of your question to answer is: Yes, he was cheating on God, too. Cheating in the sense that he was sinning against God. So, with that cleared up, let’s carry on.
I completely and totally understand the not trusting men thing. Whenever someone claims to love you, and then does a very poor job of it, it’s hard to trust. I would imagine you are afraid of investing in another man and getting duped again, which is totally understandable. Here was a guy who to the world appeared the good guy, yet he was living a lie. How in the world is one supposed to tell if they’re a good guy when they a player in angel robes?
I think your fear is that you don’t trust yourself to not fall for another sucker and waste massive amounts of time. I would encourage you to reflect back on your 8 year relationship with him. Do you in hindsight see actions or behaviors now that could have been red flags? I bet you might be able to pick up a few. Often times, when we are in love or like a person, we ignore red flags, especially if that person “seems” squeaky clean.
I know that when I had to reflect back on my past relationships there were many things that I should have been paying attention to, but I dismissed them, because I was “in love.”
Trust is earned, not freely given.
Trust is earned, not freely given. So, in this regards you have some control. As you go about dating other men, take it slow and be observant. Be aware of things that make you go, “Hmmmmm? Not so sure about that.” When I was counseling clients I use to tell them that trust is like a darts game target. When you first met someone, you let them into that first ring. Just enough so that you can see what kind of person they are. They should hang out in that first ring for a bit. Then, if you feel more comfortable, move them into the next “ring of trust.” If they do anything to cause concern, move them back out to the first ring or out of your life all together. Over time, allow them more and more trust. Those that mean the most to you and that you trust the most are those in the bullseye. Not everyone you meet in life will make it to the bullseye.
Just know that most of us go through life being betrayed and losing our trust in someone. It happens. We are surrounded by sinful humans and the chances that they will break our trust in some fashion are pretty high. But, we can’t go through life scared and unwilling to open ourselves up to people. We don’t have to tell them our deepest secrets on the first introduction, but it is important to not close ourselves off. If I would have done that, I would never have met my husband.
We can’t go through life scared and unwilling to open ourselves up to people.
The last thing I would say is: Work on forgiving this man. Maybe you have, but usually when there is still a lot of raw pain, forgiveness hasn’t happened. Spill out to Christ your fears and your worries. He will understand, because He understands betrayal. Remember, girlfriends, gay men, and parents all have the capacity to break your trust, too. It’s not just men you date that are the problem.
God Bless and I hope you find healing.
Amy Thomas is the founder of www.passionatepurpose.org. She holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Criminology and a Master’s in Applied Behavioral Science where she focused on sexual violence crimes. She worked as a counselor/advocate at The Salvation Army Domestic Violence and Rape Crisis Center in Panama City, Fl. As a teen, she suffered emotional, physical, and sexual abuse at the hands of two boyfriends, which took years to overcome. She feels passionate about educating ladies on how to have healthy, pure, and meaningful romantic relationships.
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