Dear Edith: Trusting Men
Sunday, September 17, 2017
Body

Dear Edith: Trusting Men

September 17, 2017

Dear Edith,

2 years ago (almost) I broke up with my then boyfriend. We were best friends for 8 years, and I only had started dating him after he left seminary.

We dated for 6 months, but come to find out he had been cheating on me for the duration of my relationship (was he cheating on God too because he was hooking up with girls while in seminary ?).

While I'm grateful to be out of the relationship, and even more grateful to say that me and the "other woman" are now best friends, I still find my self struggling to trust men.

The few dates I've been on I've been rambling and nervous. I get nervous when men touch me (hugging, handshakes, shoulder touches). The only men I feel comfortable around are relatives, gay men, and guys whom my other lady friends are dating.

My mom insists that I wait for a "good catholic man" but my ex seemed like a "good catholic man" so I can't even trust that.

What are some tips for trusting men, or trusting people in general when I've been hurt so badly?

-- Anonymous

Trusting Men Response #1 - Amy

Dear Anonymous,

The easy part of your question to answer is: Yes, he was cheating on God, too. Cheating in the sense that he was sinning against God. So, with that cleared up, let's carry on.

I completely and totally understand the not trusting men thing. Whenever someone claims to love you, and then does a very poor job of it, it's hard to trust. I would imagine you are afraid of investing in another man and getting duped again, which is totally understandable. Here was a guy who to the world appeared the good guy, yet he was living a lie. How in the world is one supposed to tell if they're a good guy when they a player in angel robes?

I think your fear is that you don't trust yourself to not fall for another sucker and waste massive amounts of time. I would encourage you to reflect back on your 8 year relationship with him. Do you in hindsight see actions or behaviors now that could have been red flags? I bet you might be able to pick up a few. Often times, when we are in love or like a person, we ignore red flags, especially if that person "seems" squeaky clean.

I know that when I had to reflect back on my past relationships there were many things that I should have been paying attention to, but I dismissed them, because I was "in love."

Trust is earned, not freely given.

Trust is earned, not freely given. So, in this regards you have some control. As you go about dating other men, take it slow and be observant. Be aware of things that make you go, "Hmmmmm? Not so sure about that." When I was counseling clients I use to tell them that trust is like a darts game target. When you first met someone, you let them into that first ring. Just enough so that you can see what kind of person they are. They should hang out in that first ring for a bit. Then, if you feel more comfortable, move them into the next "ring of trust." If they do anything to cause concern, move them back out to the first ring or out of your life all together. Over time, allow them more and more trust. Those that mean the most to you and that you trust the most are those in the bullseye. Not everyone you meet in life will make it to the bullseye.

Just know that most of us go through life being betrayed and losing our trust in someone. It happens. We are surrounded by sinful humans and the chances that they will break our trust in some fashion are pretty high. But, we can't go through life scared and unwilling to open ourselves up to people. We don't have to tell them our deepest secrets on the first introduction, but it is important to not close ourselves off. If I would have done that, I would never have met my husband.

We can't go through life scared and unwilling to open ourselves up to people.

The last thing I would say is: Work on forgiving this man. Maybe you have, but usually when there is still a lot of raw pain, forgiveness hasn't happened. Spill out to Christ your fears and your worries. He will understand, because He understands betrayal. Remember, girlfriends, gay men, and parents all have the capacity to break your trust, too. It's not just men you date that are the problem.

God Bless and I hope you find healing.

Amy Thomas

Amy Thomas is the founder of Passionate Purpose. She holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Criminology and a Master’s in Applied Behavioral Science where she focused on sexual violence crimes. She worked as a counselor/advocate at The Salvation Army Domestic Violence and Rape Crisis Center in Panama City, Fl. As a teen, she suffered emotional, physical, and sexual abuse at the hands of two boyfriends, which took years to overcome. She feels passionate about educating ladies on how to have healthy, pure, and meaningful romantic relationships.

Dear Edith Response #2 - Julie

Dear Trusting Men,

I'm sorry about your friend.

About a year ago I broke up with my ex who was my closest friend. He wasn't christian and it wasn't the same. It would be fair to say we were pretty awful to each other, and when we did break up I was devastated to find that the image I had painted for myself of this idyllic relationship that I was in, was just a picture.

I didn't want to trust people again either - because what if people turned out to be fake just like he was?

Then I met my best friend. And over this year of working on myself and being close to good girlfriends, trying new things and putting guys on the back burner I accidentally started going to church regularly again.

Your worth is not determined by how fast you can get into a relationship after you break up with someone

Your worth is not determined by how fast you can get into a relationship after you break up with someone who you had trusted for years. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeears. If you're struggling to trust people it is probably for a good reason, because we were given emotions for a good reason.

If I had to give you a tip for getting over that, it would be not to worry about it so much! Enjoy all the other things that God has for you and then when the time is right, someone else will come along.

Sincerely,

Anonymous

This author has requested to remain anonymous.

Dear Edith Response #3 - Jessica

Dear Anonymous,

First off, I want to say that I’m really sorry that that happened to you. There are few things more hurtful than being lied to and cheated on. I applaud you for moving on and even becoming best friends with the “other woman”.

I’ve had several experiences where I felt hurt, betrayed, or let down by men, including my father, and healing from the resulting hurt and bitterness each time has taken a tremendous amount of time and effort. It is especially disheartening when we are deceived by someone who has all of the external signs of faith (and, we would assume, faithfulness and virtue), which leads us to a double distrust, both of men and of the signals we would normally cling to in order to evaluate someone's character.

It is especially disheartening when we are deceived by someone who has all of the external signs of faith ... which leads us to a double distrust, both of men and of the signals we would normally cling to in order to evaluate someone's character.

I spent a long time in a similar state to the one you describe…in college, almost all of my friends were gay men, women, or my friends’ boyfriends, and most of my interactions with the opposite sex were hopelessly awkward. I had crushes from afar, but aside from a relationship that lasted for the first three months of my freshman year (one which certainly did not help my fears or ability to trust), I didn’t go on another real date until 7 years later, and usually ran away as fast as I could if someone showed any real interest. Since then, I’ve had more betrayals, even deeper hurts, and more healing to go through, and I don’t have the perfect answer, but at least I can confidently say that I’m finally at a place of being open and relatively at peace.

So, my first piece of advice is to be kind to yourself. One day you might wake up and feel great, totally healed, and ready to take on the world, but then the next day something relatively small sends you backsliding into fear, bitterness, or anxiety. Healing is a process, and it’s likely that there are several layers to this wound that you might not uncover until later on. It’s normal to feel wary and unsafe in your shoes, and if there is any part of you that feels like you "should have already healed by now," I hope that you can let that go.

Next, I would advise you to look at any negative beliefs you might have gotten from this experience. If you ever find yourself thinking things like “Well, all the good ones are taken”, “Men are liars that can’t be trusted”, “Men don’t want a committed relationship anyway”, or, even worse, “I deserved this and don’t deserve love”,“I did X or Y to cause this”, or “this wouldn’t have happened if I weren’t so ______ or if I were more _______ ”, take a moment to pause and challenge those thoughts.

First of all - they’re not true, and second - they will only get in the way of your healing. If you let yourself be convinced of those lies, you will end up looking for evidence to support them, which will only cause more pain and hurt. Instead, I would invite you to look for examples of good men doing good things around you, and, when you notice them, stop and thank God for them (if you’re outgoing, you could go ahead and thank THEM, too!). Resist the temptation to excuse them away or chalk them up to external factors.

When it comes to actually trusting, Brené Brown and her work on vulnerability have been very influential for me. She has a great talk that will probably be more helpful than anything I can tell you, The Anatomy of Trust. I think it’s helpful, though, to also watch her TED talks (especially this one on The Power of Vulnerability) and understand why vulnerability is important. From your letter, it sounds like you already understand that it’s important to learn to trust again, but understanding WHY, for me, was crucial. If you don’t open yourself up to the possibilities of getting hurt again, you won’t be able to feel joy as deeply or get as much satisfaction from life.

If you don’t open yourself up to the possibilities of getting hurt again, you won’t be able to feel joy as deeply or get as much satisfaction from life.

Finally, even though it sounds strange, I would ask if you could look at what lessons you might have learned from this experience. I’m sure you’ve already gone over the details and potential red flags in your mind, but have you turned them into resolutions for actions to take in the future? You can take this as an opportunity to better define your boundaries and understand what you expect and what will and won’t work for you, and how to express those boundaries clearly. If you can trust yourself to speak up and protect yourself when you’re dissatisfied about something or you feel hurt, you can feel a greater ease and peace the rest of the time, when things are going well.

With that in mind, you can practice by starting small, and try to be open and trusting even in passing situations that might seem insignificant. After all, if it isn’t important to you, what do you have to lose? You can take situations that you don’t have a lot invested in as opportunities to express how you feel and what you want, and to walk away if that’s what you need to do. By insignificant, I’m talking about even something as simple as maintaining eye contact with someone you cross paths with at a grocery store, or telling your barista about how the Frappuccino makes you feel. Every day will have dozens of small opportunities that you can take and use to build up your “trust muscles”. When you do this, try to look at people the way that God sees them, as lovable creatures full of dignity that are also selfish and stupid and hurt others sometimes because, ultimately, they want to feel loved.

Also, this probably sounds cliché, but I really encourage you to also take this opportunity as a chance to deepen your relationship with God, and to invite Him into your wounds. You can ask Him to show you what it is that is keeping you from trusting others, to help you grow in love for other people and forgiveness of those who have hurt you, to send you good, trustworthy people, to show you what you need to learn from the people you’ve already met, and also to show you the love that He has for you. I have no doubt that he will answer those prayers.

-- Mary Ashley

Mary Ashley Burton is a FemCatholic Contributor. She is a writer, filmmaker, and Spanish interpreter living in Los Angeles, CA. When she's not spending too much time on Facebook, you can find her co-hosting the Fishers of Men podcast on Christian dating and relationships, planning her next trip, or trying to make people laugh.

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