Church

Dear Edith: Should I stay at a parish where I don't like the pastor?

October 17, 2017

Dear Edith,

A recent move has landed my family 20 hours away from home. We now find ourselves in the rural south, in the middle of the "Baptist belt."

The Catholic parish is very small, and I am embarrassed to admit this but I absolutely hate the parish life. I've disliked priests before, but never to this extent.

Our pastor is a good man, he's faithful and is available for all the sacraments; my dislike is totally a clash of personalities. I also disagree with the way a lot of things are done within the liturgy. Often things are included and made a part of the mass that have no business being a part of the celebration (for example, once a month we sing 'Happy Birthday' to everyone who is celebrating their birthday that particular month).

I've worked in professional ministry settings for the last 7 years and I have a degree in Theology and Religious Education. I think this is partially why I get so frazzled. I volunteer at the parish, helping where I can, but I'm not in a position to "fix" anything.

I don't want to be prideful and I don't want to leave the parish. However, I do want to be spiritually fed... and I feel as though I've been eating spiritual food that's been badly cooked for over a year. I guess where I most need help is in my own mindset.

How do I remain humble and "fed" in a situation where the emphasis is placed more on fellowship within the community than on Christ? I know he's still there in all the graces of the sacraments, and my struggle with the parish makes me feel so ungrateful.

Sincerely,

Starving but Wanting to Stay

Starving at Church Response #1 - Jacque

Dear Starving but Wanting to Stay,

There is a letter by J.R.R. Tolkien written to his son, to which I refer frequently because of Tolkien’s eminent reverence for the Eucharist; but Tolkien also gives his son a piece of advice that I think about often and find appropriate to share here:

“I can recommend this as an exercise (alas! only too easy to find opportunity for): make your communion in circumstances that affront your taste. Choose a snuffling or gabbling priest or a proud and vulgar friar; and a church full of the usual bourgeois crowd, ill-behaved children - from those who yell to those products of Catholic schools who the moment the tabernacle is opened sit back and yawn - open necked and dirty youths, women in trousers and often with hair both unkempt and uncovered. Go to communion with them (and pray for them). It will be just the same (or better than that) as a mass said beautifully by a visibly holy man, and shared by a few devout and decorous people. It could not be worse than the mess of the feeding of the Five Thousand - after which our Lord propounded the feeding that was to come.”

Here I also recall Chapter 16 of C.S. Lewis’s Screwtape Letters:

“In the first place the parochial organization should always be attacked, because, being a unity of place and not of likings, it brings people of different classes and psychology together in the kind of unity the Enemy desires… In the second place, the search for a ‘suitable’ church makes the man a critic where the Enemy wants him to be a pupil. What he wants of the layman in church is an attitude which… is wholly uncritical in the sense that it does not appraise – does not waste time in thinking about what it rejects, but lays itself open in uncommenting, humble receptivity to any nourishment that is going.”

I write coming out of a similar, but different, situation. I moved to a new city and found terrible music and sparse attendance at my new parish. I sat in the pew amid running children and students on their phones. I add that my old church in college had an incredible level of orthodoxy and provided extraordinary intellectual formation that fit in perfectly with the super Traddy congregation.

I thought to myself “I should never attend Mass here again. From now on I will travel to the Cathedral parish instead.”

It was at that exact moment that I was reprimanded by Our Lord.

Am I not still present here?’ (Answer: Yes)

Does any of this perceived irreverence take away from the fact that my passion, death, and resurrection are being recreated right here?’ (Answer: no)

If you were at a more “reverent” church, would these things change?’ (Answer: no. I would still have the same interior struggles).

The thing is, if my faith life is dependent on these things, something is wrong. I recalled the words of Tolkien to his son and I made a commitment to myself to become a regular parishioner.

Moving to this new city, with lapses in intellectual formation that I found scandalous, I actually realized that I left college with no concept of mysticism. Sure, I still groan a little when a response in Latin is mispronounced, and I definitely still cringe when ‘God Bless America’ is sung at the end of Mass; but I’ve also been routinely touched by the presence of the homeless at daily Mass, and the humility of parishioners acknowledging that they don’t know all the answers. Your situation could be very different than mine, but I think everyone reading this can relate to the truth that a shift in perspective can reveal amazing phenomena that were once overshadowed by preconceived ideas of how things ought to be.

The following are a few concrete resolutions that I made along the way:

An answer (to any question, really) that I have never liked hearing --but hear constantly-- is to give thanks; be thankful for this opportunity to die to yourself in parish situations you find less-than-ideal. Giving thanks to Our Lord for the moments that confirm our humanity is one of the most mystical things we can experience.

To your question of how still to remain fed: how is your apostolate? Whom do you love in your parish community so desperately that you would be willing to take the next step in introducing Christ to your conversational life? Although you may not be in the position to ‘fix things,’ with degrees in theology and religious education, as well as the universal call to holiness conferred at your baptism, you have everything you could possibly need!

Luckily, there still remain slews upon slews of resources for spiritual growth that don’t involve your local parish: blogs like FemCatholic, of course, as well as Blessed Is She, among many others; meditations/podcasts broadcasted by the St. Josemaria Institute and Fr. Mike Schmitz, to name a few; and digital book clubs that keep people remotely accountable in their spiritual reading.

Lastly, situations like these are a great time to ask for intercession from the early Christians; recall St. Paul, and the Apostles evangelizing the entire world. Where did St. Paul receive his spiritual food? He had interactions with some apostles and early Christians, sure, but was not the bulk of his spiritually transmitted through only the Holy Spirit? Sticking to a reliable daily regimen of the Holy Rosary, Holy Mass, and Scriptural meditation will be instrumental in remaining satiated, especially when you understand that you must cling to these as if you had nothing else in the entire world.

Jacque is a PhD student at the University of Pennsylvania. She spends most of her time in the chemistry laboratory, but is also enjoys hiking and biking. She often reminisces about growing up in a rural town while drinking her coffee black and quoting Tolkien always.

Starving at Church Response #2 - Kyla

Dear Starving,

I saw your letter a few weeks ago. I wasn’t exactly planning on responding to it, but it’s been sitting in the back of my mind ever since and this feels like something that I should write back to.

The reason why I wasn’t planning on responding is that I don’t exactly see what the problem is. I don’t want to say that in a dismissive way - I am not in your shoes, in your parish. I am sure that the culture surrounding the church is different than what you have grown in. I do not see all the things that the priest is or isn’t doing. So please, do not think that I am trying to minimize your feelings.

You can go to a church anywhere in the world and experience the same mass in community.

The word “Catholic” means universal. Its one of the things I love most about our faith. You can go to a church anywhere in the world and experience the same mass in community. Now, that community is very important. We are a part of the body of Christ - one body, universal, one in love and one in community. I can imagine that that becomes even more important in places where Catholics are a minority, such as this bible belt region you are speaking of. So gathering together to, say, sing Happy Birthday and celebrate life as a community… I think that’s a joyful, wonderful thing. The parish in my parents hometown, the one I grew up in - we would sing Happy Birthdays. We would also have people come up for blessings depending on the occasion - students for the beginning of school, couples celebrating anniversaries, and others - and we would bless them as a community. I thought it was awesome as a teenager - I was participating in sharing the bounty of God’s Grace with others.

Now, you say that this parish focuses more on fellowship than it does on Christ. However, the Catholic faith finds God in fellowship. There is a reason we all gather together to hear the readings of the mass instead of reading on our own. There is a reason why we have the Sign of Peace. Our mass is all about fellowship in Christ.

Now, that being said I don’t believe there should be fellowship instead of Christ. If the priest spent every homily social planning instead of sharing the fruits of the liturgy, or if he has the congregation sing before Communion, then I can see why you would have a problem. The mass is for celebrating Christ. You say that the Priest is faithful, and available for the sacraments so I am assuming that he treats the Liturgy of the Word and the Sacrament of Communion with reverence and grace. However, you also said you feel as if you have been eating badly cooked spiritual food, so I could be wrong.

If these moments of fellowship are occurring after communion, during the time that announcements would normally commence - I think you should try and appreciate that you are in a beautiful, tight knit community that loves each other as brothers and sisters in Christ and celebrates them as such. You have celebrated God - now it’s time to celebrate his children.

Now, however, if that is not the case, and he is incorporating it throughout the celebration before the Liturgy and Communion, perhaps you can suggest that the announcements is a more appropriate time and space for such celebrations. I would also suggest organizing adoration or other opportunities to spend time with Christ in contemplative prayer. It could also be the mass you are attending - if there are multiple masses there may be an earlier one that is more solemn and less community driven.

I hope this helps. I know it can be incredibly frustrating to not feel that your spiritual needs are being met. Everyone needs to be fed, and people get fed in different ways. Just think to what it is that you are not exactly getting - is the homily poorly formed? Is the liturgy rushed? Has the Sacrament of Communion been dumbed down in any way? Or is it simply… the parish chooses to infuse joy and laughter into their mass? Joy which is of God and because of God? Then maybe find other ways to get the solemnity you seem to crave.

Prayers to you, and good luck!

Kyla

Kyla is a young liberal Catholic always looking to dive deeper into her faith and learn more about what it means to be a Catholic in today’s world.

Starving at Church Response #3 - Andrea

Dear Starving But Wanting to Stay,

I have been there, too, and I hear you!  Oh, have I been there.  

We are a military family, and we move quite often.  One of my biggest worries with each move is what our next parish will be like.  We have lived in those tiny Southern towns with one Catholic parish, overseas with maybe one or two options in English, and -- currently -- in a diocese where questionable things going on in the liturgy is more commonplace than not.  

So, let me share with you a few things that I have learned along the way.  

You mentioned that you feel you aren’t in a position to “fix” anything.  There is one thing you can always fix: your own perspective.  

You can recognize Christ where He may be found.  He is present in 4 ways at Mass: (1) in the priest, who is in persona Christi; (2) in the Eucharist, where He is truly present body, blood, soul, and divinity under the appearance of bread and wine; (3) in the Word proclaimed; and (4) in the Body of Christ.  If you struggle with recognizing Jesus Christ present in any of these, ask Mary for help in recognizing her son in the Mass.  Ask Jesus himself: “I believe; help my unbelief!”

You can allow yourself to grieve and feel disappointed in the liturgy.  When you have experienced liturgy that lifts your soul to heaven, it is all the more sad to experience nothing but banal, cringe-worthy, or illicit Masses.  Further, you probably wish your fellow parishioners could experience the Eucharist as you have -- as the “source and summit” of your faith.  

We know that the liturgy is “the work of the people.”  It’s easy to default to the position that we must give God our best.  Of course we must!  Ultimately, though, there will never be a perfect liturgy here on earth.  We await the wedding banquet in heaven where we will truly be in communion with Christ.  Until then, it will be messy and imperfect.  

But get this: The God of the universe humbles Himself to meet us in our meager gifts of bread and wine.  He meets us in our mess and our imperfect offerings.  He embraces us despite our imperfect contrition, our mixed motives, and our stubborn ways.  

The God of the universe humbles Himself to meet us in our meager gifts of bread and wine.

Certainly, we too, can humble ourselves to meet Him in the Body of Christ and His priests.  

Here are some tangible actions steps you might take to shift your mindset:

  1. Invite your priest over for dinner! Invite another family you would like to get to know better if you are worried about the clash of personalities with the priest.  
  2. Consider prayerfully your interior response when questionable things happen during Mass.  What is your immediate default response? Criticism, derision, sadness, pride?  How can you turn that around?  I suggest treating imperfection in the Mass the same way we approach imperfections in others and ourselves -- we forgive them while still striving and hoping for better. Perhaps look for a default prayer response to re-focus your thoughts and disposition.  Something like: “Dear Jesus, thank you for meeting us here in our mess.  Have mercy on us and on the whole world.” or “Mother Mary, help me to recognize your son Jesus in all the ways He is present here.  Teach us to love and honor Him in our prayers and actions.”  
  3. You say you aren’t in a position to “fix” anything.  Perhaps not as a salaried position, no.  However, you have so many gifts and talents to share!  You are, in fact, in the perfect position to evangelize your fellow parishioners -- and most likely, to be evangelized yourself by them.  Examine whether your pride is holding you back from pursuing authentic relationships.  

And finally, I want to answer your concern of not feeling spiritually fed.  

Ultimately, what will feed your soul is communion with God.

Does the discontent in your soul at Mass extend to other areas of prayer for you?

Does the discontent in your soul at Mass extend to other areas of prayer for you?

Sunday Mass is one hour out of the week.  What are you doing the rest of the week? How often are you still and quiet before God?  

Prayer is first and foremost our response to what God is already doing in our lives.  He is waiting to meet you -- not just at Mass -- but always waiting for you to turn to Him.  

“Seek the Lord while he may be found,

call upon him while he is near.” -Isaiah 55:6

Pax Christi,

Andrea

Andrea Pfarr is a FemCatholic Contributor. She and her husband travel the country and globe — subject to the needs of the U.S. Air Force — with their three wild-hearted children and a little brown dog. Andrea delights in well-reasoned arguments, the universality of the Church, introducing their children to tales of epic adventure, and a mug of hot chocolate.

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