I have a confession, ladies: I struggle with perfectionism.
Perhaps you do, too.
Dr. Brené Brown calls perfectionism a 20-ton shield that we use to protect ourselves. Dr. Brown further defines it as “a way of thinking that says this, ‘If I look perfect, live perfect, work perfect, I can avoid or minimize criticism, blame, and ridicule.’”
Perfectionism has followed me for much of my life. When I was in high school, the comment my parents most often heard from my teachers was, “She needs to relax.” I feared the very idea of my grades slipping even once. The realities of collegiate study were first to begin chipping away at my perfectionism. During my first semester of college, my physics test scores never surpassed 45%, no matter how hard I studied. It rattled me, making me question my intelligence, work ethic, and worthiness to occupy a spot at my beloved alma mater. (In reality, it just meant that physics is not in my wheelhouse. At all.)
Even my spiritual life was marked by perfectionism. I once mentioned to a spiritual director that I wanted to pray the Liturgy of the Hours - all of them. He reigned me in, wisely suggesting that I start with just morning prayer. I was bothered by this idea, however, and worried that God would not think me as strong in my prayer life if I did not commit to praying all of the Divine Office. The same fear was present in other additions to the spiritual life that I considered. If I did not do this particular prayer, or pray it often enough, then I would have an awful prayer life and disappoint God. During the second meeting with my current spiritual director, he paused at one point and asked, “You’re a perfectionist, aren’t you?” Evidently, I could not hide this tendency of mine.
The friends, family, and spiritual directors in my life taught - and reminded - me that we cannot achieve perfection (without God’s grace, that is). Despite their wise words, being unable to achieve perfection did not prevent me from feeling as though I fell short when (not if) I did not reach it. Perfectionism had a tight hold on me, even when I understood it to be an impossible goal. It was not until I started running that I finally started to abandon my search for perfection and, instead, embrace progress.
Being unable to achieve perfection did not prevent me from feeling as though I fell short when (not if) I did not reach it.
“Athletic” is not the adjective I would use to describe myself. Ever. I played intramural sports for a total of two years as a child (and I was horrible at it). When I started running, I could not even run a half mile without stopping to walk. While searching for a new form of exercise last year, I decided on running because I liked the idea of doing something I never thought I could or would. I started with low expectations of myself. The only hope I had was progress and I was genuinely excited about each small bit of progress that I made.
A few weeks ago, my run was particularly challenging. Each step was miserable. It was cold. I had to take far more walking breaks than usual. Frustration rose because this same run I did two days ago was now so difficult. I felt as though I was regressing. My temptation to seek perfection reared its ugly head and blinded me to the progress I made over the last few months. Instead of looking at how far I had come, I fixated on how far (literally) I still had to go, and how poorly I was doing in getting there.
Suddenly, it began snowing. This was no small matter for a Colorado girl who rarely sees snow in her new southern home. During one of my (many) walking breaks on this run, I slowed down enough to admire the fluffy snowflakes gently falling to the ground. The idea for this post also came to me during this very same run. I eventually accepted that this run would not be one of my best, but it far surpasses what I could previously do. It was still progress.
I realized that a perfection-centered mindset can be a rather negative one because you focus on something you cannot achieve. After all, how would one ever become a “perfect” runner? A progress-centered mindset can, however, be positive one, for you can always progress, even a tiny bit more. You can run just 0.1 mile more, or 5 seconds faster.
As women, perfectionism may appear in various forms. Perhaps you are trying to be the perfect friend, sister (blood or religious), wife, coworker, daughter, or mother. Maybe you are striving to live out the elusive feminine genius, but find yourself confused at what exactly that means. And perhaps you feel shame when you fall short of being perfect.
Take a moment to think about the area(s) of your life where you seek perfection. In those same areas, how have you progressed? Next time you feel a sense of failure for being imperfect, I hope that you will pause and, instead, think about the progress you made.
In those same areas, how have you progressed?
If perfectionism has a hold on you, I invite you to run from it. Run slow, run fast, or even walk - however you get there, I encourage you to begin abandoning perfectionism and replace it with a genuine appreciation for progress.
Remember: FemCatholic is not a community that expects you to be perfect. It is a community of women who are cheering for you as you grow.
