Dear Edith: Should I stay at a parish where I don't like the pastor?

Dear Starving,

I saw your letter a few weeks ago. I wasn’t exactly planning on responding to it, but it’s been sitting in the back of my mind ever since and this feels like something that I should write back to.

The reason why I wasn’t planning on responding is that I don’t exactly see what the problem is. I don’t want to say that in a dismissive way - I am not in your shoes, in your parish. I am sure that the culture surrounding the church is different than what you have grown in. I do not see all the things that the priest is or isn’t doing. So please, do not think that I am trying to minimize your feelings.

You can go to a church anywhere in the world and experience the same mass in community.

The word “Catholic” means universal. Its one of the things I love most about our faith. You can go to a church anywhere in the world and experience the same mass in community. Now, that community is very important. We are a part of the body of Christ - one body, universal, one in love and one in community. I can imagine that that becomes even more important in places where Catholics are a minority, such as this bible belt region you are speaking of. So gathering together to, say, sing Happy Birthday and celebrate life as a community… I think that’s a joyful, wonderful thing. The parish in my parents hometown, the one I grew up in - we would sing Happy Birthdays. We would also have people come up for blessings depending on the occasion - students for the beginning of school, couples celebrating anniversaries, and others - and we would bless them as a community. I thought it was awesome as a teenager - I was participating in sharing the bounty of God’s Grace with others.

Now, you say that this parish focuses more on fellowship than it does on Christ. However, the Catholic faith finds God in fellowship. There is a reason we all gather together to hear the readings of the mass instead of reading on our own. There is a reason why we have the Sign of Peace. Our mass is all about fellowship in Christ.

Now, that being said I don’t believe there should be fellowship instead of Christ. If the priest spent every homily social planning instead of sharing the fruits of the liturgy, or if he has the congregation sing before Communion, then I can see why you would have a problem. The mass is for celebrating Christ. You say that the Priest is faithful, and available for the sacraments so I am assuming that he treats the Liturgy of the Word and the Sacrament of Communion with reverence and grace. However, you also said you feel as if you have been eating badly cooked spiritual food, so I could be wrong.

If these moments of fellowship are occurring after communion, during the time that announcements would normally commence - I think you should try and appreciate that you are in a beautiful, tight knit community that loves each other as brothers and sisters in Christ and celebrates them as such. You have celebrated God - now it’s time to celebrate his children.

Now, however, if that is not the case, and he is incorporating it throughout the celebration before the Liturgy and Communion, perhaps you can suggest that the announcements is a more appropriate time and space for such celebrations. I would also suggest organizing adoration or other opportunities to spend time with Christ in contemplative prayer. It could also be the mass you are attending - if there are multiple masses there may be an earlier one that is more solemn and less community driven.

I hope this helps. I know it can be incredibly frustrating to not feel that your spiritual needs are being met. Everyone needs to be fed, and people get fed in different ways. Just think to what it is that you are not exactly getting - is the homily poorly formed? Is the liturgy rushed? Has the Sacrament of Communion been dumbed down in any way? Or is it simply… the parish chooses to infuse joy and laughter into their mass? Joy which is of God and because of God? Then maybe find other ways to get the solemnity you seem to crave.

Prayers to you, and good luck!

Kyla

Kyla is a young liberal Catholic always looking to dive deeper into her faith and learn more about what it means to be a Catholic in today’s world.

Dear Starving But Wanting to Stay,

I have been there, too, and I hear you!  Oh, have I been there.  

We are a military family, and we move quite often.  One of my biggest worries with each move is what our next parish will be like.  We have lived in those tiny Southern towns with one Catholic parish, overseas with maybe one or two options in English, and -- currently -- in a diocese where questionable things going on in the liturgy is more commonplace than not.  

So, let me share with you a few things that I have learned along the way.  

You mentioned that you feel you aren’t in a position to “fix” anything.  There is one thing you can always fix: your own perspective.  

You can recognize Christ where He may be found.  He is present in 4 ways at Mass: (1) in the priest, who is in persona Christi; (2) in the Eucharist, where He is truly present body, blood, soul, and divinity under the appearance of bread and wine; (3) in the Word proclaimed; and (4) in the Body of Christ.  If you struggle with recognizing Jesus Christ present in any of these, ask Mary for help in recognizing her son in the Mass.  Ask Jesus himself: “I believe; help my unbelief!”

You can allow yourself to grieve and feel disappointed in the liturgy.  When you have experienced liturgy that lifts your soul to heaven, it is all the more sad to experience nothing but banal, cringe-worthy, or illicit Masses.  Further, you probably wish your fellow parishioners could experience the Eucharist as you have -- as the “source and summit” of your faith.  

We know that the liturgy is “the work of the people.”  It’s easy to default to the position that we must give God our best.  Of course we must!  Ultimately, though, there will never be a perfect liturgy here on earth.  We await the wedding banquet in heaven where we will truly be in communion with Christ.  Until then, it will be messy and imperfect.  

But get this: The God of the universe humbles Himself to meet us in our meager gifts of bread and wine.  He meets us in our mess and our imperfect offerings.  He embraces us despite our imperfect contrition, our mixed motives, and our stubborn ways.  

The God of the universe humbles Himself to meet us in our meager gifts of bread and wine.

Certainly, we too, can humble ourselves to meet Him in the Body of Christ and His priests.  

Here are some tangible actions steps you might take to shift your mindset:

1. Invite your priest over for dinner! Invite another family you would like to get to know better if you are worried about the clash of personalities with the priest.  
2. Consider prayerfully your interior response when questionable things happen during Mass.  What is your immediate default response? Criticism, derision, sadness, pride?  How can you turn that around?  I suggest treating imperfection in the Mass the same way we approach imperfections in others and ourselves -- we forgive them while still striving and hoping for better. Perhaps look for a default prayer response to re-focus your thoughts and disposition.  Something like: “Dear Jesus, thank you for meeting us here in our mess.  Have mercy on us and on the whole world.” or “Mother Mary, help me to recognize your son Jesus in all the ways He is present here.  Teach us to love and honor Him in our prayers and actions.”  
3. You say you aren’t in a position to “fix” anything.  Perhaps not as a salaried position, no.  However, you have so many gifts and talents to share!  You are, in fact, in the perfect position to evangelize your fellow parishioners -- and most likely, to be evangelized yourself by them.  Examine whether your pride is holding you back from pursuing authentic relationships.  

And finally, I want to answer your concern of not feeling spiritually fed.  

Ultimately, what will feed your soul is communion with God.

Does the discontent in your soul at Mass extend to other areas of prayer for you?

Does the discontent in your soul at Mass extend to other areas of prayer for you?

Sunday Mass is one hour out of the week.  What are you doing the rest of the week? How often are you still and quiet before God?  

Prayer is first and foremost our response to what God is already doing in our lives.  He is waiting to meet you -- not just at Mass -- but always waiting for you to turn to Him.  

“Seek the Lord while he may be found,

call upon him while he is near.” -Isaiah 55:6

Pax Christi,

Andrea

Andrea Pfarr is a FemCatholic Contributor. She and her husband travel the country and globe — subject to the needs of the U.S. Air Force — with their three wild-hearted children and a little brown dog. Andrea delights in well-reasoned arguments, the universality of the Church, introducing their children to tales of epic adventure, and a mug of hot chocolate.