Dear Therapist, 

I have a strange question to ask about female sexual sin. I’ve had a long, hard battle with both pornography and masturbation – and I am dating the most wonderful man on earth. He has helped me tremendously, but now every time I sin, I feel a million times worse than I ever did before we started dating since I’m now hurting our relationship by my sins. I've seen a lot out there geared towards women whose male partners are struggling with sexual sin, but what does it feel like for a guy to have his girlfriend struggle? Does he feel just as betrayed and hurt as the women I've heard about? I've brought it up with him before, but I'd rather not talk about it with him since I don't think that would be best for the relationship right now.

Sincerely,
Anonymous

Response from Regina Boyd, LMHC

Hi friend, thank you for sharing this. I want to answer your question briefly and then explore some other ideas with you.

I’m curious to know how your conversation went the first time this came up. You mentioned that you didn’t want to talk about it because it wouldn’t be good for the relationship. Is that because it caused a fight, or because you don't want him to feel like you are discussing this topic too frequently? 

Either way, I think it’s helpful to point out that there is no one size fits all answer to the question of “How would a guy feel about this if it were his girlfriend?” Just like with women, there are a range of responses. Some might view this as the ultimate betrayal, while others might see it as one more sin that you struggle with.

Without knowing all of the details, I think that the heart of your question may have to do with shame. This is a tricky emotion to navigate and it makes it easy to catastrophize anytime you slip up. Shame, and the anxiety that ensues, are what make you think that you are ruining the relationship.

My invitation for you – and not just with pornography and masturbation – is to ask if you can treat yourself with more grace, patience, and mercy than perhaps you have been. It sounds as though you have already experienced tremendous growth as you strive for holiness. So, rather than focusing on ways that you might be hurting your relationship, you could think about how much you have grown, be excited about how much more God wants to do in your life, and remember that God has been with you all along.

One of the Gospel passages that came to mind was when Jesus called Peter to walk to him on the water. Peter was successful while focusing on Jesus, but became anxious when he paid attention to the storm. We face the same temptation with anything that the Lord asks us to do, and I believe your situation is no different. Fear not: Jesus is there with you, calling you to himself. Keep going and keep your head up, with eyes fixed on Jesus.

I’d also like to point out more good news for you: You are actively taking steps toward the relationship you want to have and you have a plan for the life and the marriage that you really want! As challenging as it can be to ignore the intrusive thoughts about past or potential future sins, I encourage you to turn your thoughts toward the path God has set before you and focus on that.

If you haven’t already sought help from a spiritual director, trusted spiritual advisor, and therapist, I would encourage you to do so. While it might be demanding of your time and emotional energy, I’m confident that they would only help on your journey.

Count on my prayers for you, and keep on fighting the good fight.