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“Let us #PrayTogether that people who suffer from depression* or burn-out will find support and a light that opens them up to life.” In November 2021, Pope Francis tweeted a call to prayer that echoed across Twitter, and Catholic and secular media alike. Last year, web searches for “signs of burnout” surged 221% - but burnout is still largely misunderstood. Here are three myths about burnout that we need to clear up.

Myth #1: Burnout is a new word and a product of the pandemic.

While burnout itself was a hot topic of 2021, it’s not a new concept. Coined in the 1970s, burnout was classified by the World Health Organization in 2019 as a syndrome that stems from “chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed.” Characteristics of burnout include constant feelings of exhaustion, cynicism towards work, and reduced performance. Since burnout is a result of accumulated stress, constant exposure to stressors contribute to the syndrome. In other words, you don’t wake up one day and suddenly experience the symptoms of burnout - prolonged stress leads to it.

Myth #2: Men make up most of the workforce, so they experience burnout more often than women.

While a majority of the American workforce is male, nearly half of working women reported feeling burnt out as a result of work. Historically and especially during the pandemic, women have had more home and caregiving tasks than men. As primary caregivers and often homemakers too, women have added responsibilities that conflict with their time to decompress and rest.

Myth #3: Mission-driven workers don’t experience burnout.

In reality, “burnout [is] common in fields in which people consider the work their calling.” Even with a service-driven approach to work, we can’t escape the realities of burnout. The Mayo Clinic cites that two risk factors for burnout include working in a “helping profession” and working in a role that you’re so passionate about that it spills into your personal life. As an example, lay people who serve the Church can also suffer from burnout since the “top-down, clerical-heavy structure … can cause lay employees to feel that their voices are not heard or respected.” While a lay person might feel that she has to work long hours to support a mission, she may not feel comfortable speaking up about needing a break if she doesn’t feel seen or heard.

Burnout is a Buzzword - Until It Happens to You

While you might not be experiencing burnout now, knowing the risks can help you or a colleague down the line. It’s also important to recognize that work alone might not cause burnout. The impact of big life changes and challenging situations can spillover into our work, causing strains on our work-life balance and ultimately on our attitude and performance. And when our identity is tied to the work we do, imagine the impact of burnout on our personal lives. Now imagine that scaled to the community level - burnout is a collective problem.

6 Resources to Help You Tackle Burnout

• Make sure you’re getting the right type of rest you need.
• Read about the Mayo Clinic’s burnout symptoms.
• Leading an organization or team? Read HBR’s article to learn about the actions companies can take.

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* Burnout can be related to depression or other mental health issues. If you’re wondering whether you’re experiencing symptoms beyond burnout, please seek professional help.

Scrolling through Instagram the other day, I was taken aback by a quote from Gloria Calderón Kellett, highlighted by a popular Latina-run blog, Poderistas: “Not seeing yourself on TV is like growing up in a house where your pictures are not on the wall.” I paused and thought about the truth of this statement, which was something I didn’t really notice until recently. It reminded me of the last eight years of my career working in predominantly white spaces, where it felt like I had to explain my background and who I was. I could never just be myself. As it turns out, I was having the same experiences of exclusion in television and in the workplace.

But then, Disney’s Encanto came out. Selfishly, I was drawn to the film because its protagonist Mirabel looked just like me, something I had never experienced. I texted my friends and family a screengrab of Mirabel with the message, “I think this is me?” and they wholeheartedly agreed. Brown skin, short curly hair, round, green glasses - this was a description of me. Was this real life? Did I just become a Disney princess?

The Madrigals and Their Gifts

Set in a small village in Colombia, Encanto tells the story of the magical Madrigal family. Every member is entrusted with a special gift meant to benefit the family and the village they support. Every member, that is, except for Mirabel. While this doesn’t seem to bother Mirabel as much as it bothers Abuela (the matriarch of the family and keeper of the candle, the source of the magic), it all comes tumbling down when the candle begins to lose its power, thus putting the family’s livelihood in danger.

Mirabel decides to figure out what’s affecting the candle’s magic. On her quest, she learns that some members of her family are struggling with the power and responsibility of using their gift in service of the family. Isabella and Luisa, her older sisters gifted with beauty and strength respectively, reveal how the pressure of perfection and high expectations is too much for them at times. Mirabel, using what I consider to be her gifts of empathy and listening, becomes a space for her sisters to finally be honest and let go of the impossibly high standards their family holds them to.

The film continues, set to a fun and clever soundtrack written by Lin-Manuel Miranda, who effortlessly blends Colombian sounds and rhythms with the classic musical formula. Relationships are tested, chaos ensues, and a family almost crumbles. At the center remains Mirabel. I’ve seen the film five times now and the more I watch it, the more I’m reminded of my own journey, both spiritual and personal.

The Madrigal Daughters’ Lives and My Own

As the eldest daughter of immigrants, the pressure always fell on me to get everything right. This is something I think most eldest daughters can relate to, and something we have in common with both elder Madrigal sisters. They also felt the pressure to not make mistakes and to carry their family on their shoulders. For us in the real world, the familial and societal pressure looks a little different, but feels the same.

For me, it was the pressure to graduate at the top of my class and become a doctor or lawyer (the only two acceptable professions). The pressure to be the “right” kind of Catholic, one who married young and had lots of children. The one who went to Mass each week and was never even late. But no matter how hard I tried - and I tried - I just didn’t make the cut. And it was so easy to feel like a failure. If I didn’t or couldn’t perform what was expected of me, what did that say about me? 

It turns out the answer was - nothing. During my time in spiritual direction, I realized that I wasn’t doing anything wrong. It took a while for my spiritual director to convince me that I really could just be myself, and that was perfectly fine. So what if I couldn’t pray for two hours in the morning? I could start with a quick prayer at lunchtime. So what if I’m 30 and not married? I love the people in my life right now, in the only way I can. There is great freedom in admitting that I’m not really sure what I’m doing or even where I’m going. Imagine how the world would be if we all lived free from that pressure.

Actually, we don’t have to imagine. We can look to Isabella, Luisa, and Mirabel, and how they live their lives striving for that same kind of freedom. As the movie’s ending shows, it is possible - and it feels even more attainable to see that journey play out in characters that look just like me.

To celebrate Black History Month, we’re highlighting ten Black Catholic women who provide a much-needed voice in the Church. Many of the women on our list serve on the board of Catholics United for Black Lives (CUBL), whose mission is to “help Catholics use Catholic social teaching to raise awareness and promote racial justice so that every Black life can flourish in our church and in our society.” We invite you to take some time this month to get to know these amazing women.

Marcia Lane-McGee

If you love Taylor Swift, Target runs, and your daily coffee, then you’ll love Marcia Lane-McGee. Marcia is co-host of the Plaid Skirts & Basic Black podcast and co-author of the Essence-recommended book Fat Luther, Slim Pickins, both focused on sharing about the experience of being Black and Catholic. Marcia also serves as a board member of the pro-life feminist organization New Wave Feminists, which advocates for a consistent ethic of life from conception to natural death. On top of all this, Marcia’s day job is as a family teacher for teenagers who are temporarily placed into group homes. And on a personal note, she shares about her experience as a birth mother with an open adoption and about her life as a single woman.

To enjoy Marcia’s infectious laugh, joy, and confidence, follow her on Instagram or Twitter.

Shannon Wimp Schmidt

Shannon Wimp Schmidt is also co-host of the Plaid Skirts & Basic Black podcast and co-author of Fat Luther, Slim Pickins. Shannon is a wife and mother of four who works in adult faith formation at her parish. Have you ever wondered about the weird words Catholics use or what heresy actually is? Shannon’s Instagram series on weird Church words and heresies provides short and simple explanations. As a biracial woman, Shannon reflects on what it means to be both Black and of Irish descent in how she relates to the world and vice versa.

To learn more about and from Shannon, follow her on Instagram and Twitter.

Alessandra Harris

Alessandra Harris is a wife, mom, and author of two novels: Everything She Lost and Blaming the Wind. Alessandra is co-founder of Black Catholic Messenger, an online publication for Black Catholics, written and shared by Black Catholics. She was also nominated by her parish to attend the Institute for Leadership in Ministry for the Diocese of San Jose, a program of study, training, and formation to prepare lay people for leadership opportunities in their parishes. She “loves to encourage people by spreading the Good News, advocating for racial justice, and raising awareness about mental health.”

You can find Alessandra at her website, on Instagram, and on Twitter.

Chenele Shaw

Chenele Shaw is a self-described “young adult trying to live her life for Christ, frequent her therapist, abolish the sin of racism, and eat all the cheese!” A former theology teacher and youth minister, Chenele is currently pursuing a degree in Marriage and Family Counseling. She also serves as the host of the Ave Spotlight podcast. As for her attempt to abolish racism, Chenele is the co-founder of the Before Gethesemane Initiative, an organization aiming to “shine the light of Catholic teaching on racism” while focusing on unity and healing from racism’s wounds.

For anecdotes about moving back in with her family and great new Spotify recommendations, check out Chenele on Instagram.

Justina Kopp

Justina Kopp is a stay-at-home mom of quadruplets turned graduate student in Marriage and Family Counseling. Justina shares her story on various podcasts, reflecting on the tragic loss of her father in the I-35W bridge collapse and the experience of a miscarriage followed by the surprise of her quadruplets. She has also spoken about her dangerous experience with the birth of her children as a Black woman and the larger systemic issues surrounding the maternal-mortality rate as it affects Black women in the US.

A fan of Starbucks and true crime podcasts, you can follow Justina on Instagram and Twitter to learn more about how to fight racism on the daily, as well as to check out her epic family Halloween costumes.

Regina Boyd

Regina Boyd is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Mental Health Counselor. She is the founder of Boyd Counseling Services, which provides therapy to clients who “are experiencing life changes, desire healthy emotional connection, and seek to develop problem solving strategies within their relationships.” Her practice helps clients with emotional intimacy, sex and romance, parenting, stress management, burnout, and anxiety, among other mental-health related topics. Regina is also a wife and mom who enjoys baking and listening to Mumford and Sons.

You can find Regina’s posts and her recent webinar on FemCatholic, and can learn more from her on Instagram.

Ogechi Akalegbere

Ogechi Akalegbere is a service coordinator, content creator, and certified personal trainer who also spends time as a community organizer, mentor, and competitive powerlifter. She loves to share about her Nigerian culture and the integration of faith and wellness. Ogechi recently won the Cardinal Bernardin New Leadership Award, which is given by the US Conference of Catholic Bishops to a young adult “who demonstrates leadership in fighting poverty and injustice in the U.S. through community-based solutions.” She also hosts the Tell Me, If You Can podcast, focused on telling “women’s stories of hope, transformation, and inspiration.”

You can learn more about Ogechi’s powerlifting and personal training on her fitness Instagram and in her webinar for FemCatholic. You can also follow Ogechi’s service and justice work on her website, Instagram, and Twitter.

Sr. Josephine Garrett, CSFN

Sr. Josephine Garrett is a religious sister with the Sisters of the Holy Family of Nazareth in Tyler, TX. She serves as a licensed counselor in a grade school and in private practice, as well as a national speaker for youth and young adults. Sr. Josephine shares joyfully about her life as a nun and a counselor, and her passion for living faith authentically and living the Gospel daily. She offers thoughtful reflections on issues from poverty to racism to the pro-life movement.

To read Sr. Josephine’s fun anecdotes from her work with children and to witness her joy, follow her on Instagram or Twitter.

Gloria Purvis

Gloria Purvis began her career in the world of finance before becoming a Catholic media personality. Gloria is a stay-at-home mom, podcast host, consultant, commentator, and national speaker on the sin of racism, a consistent life ethic, authentic freedom, and human dignity. She hosts the Gloria Purvis Podcast, featuring conversations on tough topics and hard questions for Catholics in the US. She was recently invited to serve as the inaugural Pastoral Fellow of the Notre Dame Office of Life and Human Dignity, a “new role designed to enhance the impact of pastoral leaders in the life of the Church,” specifically around racial justice.

Gloria has a gift for guiding hard discussions with grace and respect for all sides. To follow along with Gloria and her many projects, you can find her on Instagram and Twitter.

Claire Obenson

Claire Obenson is an architect with her own practice, St Clare of Assisi Architecture, in San Francisco. Claire grew up Catholic in a Cameroonian and Nigerian family, and came to study in the US at 17. While pursuing her architecture degree, she began to question her faith and became an atheist before reverting back to the Catholic Church. When not working at her practice, Claire loves to volunteer as a foster parent and spend time with friends.

You can find Claire and her designs on Instagram and Twitter.

I recently went through one of the toughest times of my life. I started a new job, pursued professional certifications, and traveled all over the country for my clients - while grieving multiple miscarriages. It all came to a head when I was told I had an unfixable condition that would cause recurrent miscarriages, at the same time that I was asked to take on our toughest client at work. I’ve always had difficulty prioritizing my needs, but I knew that now was as good a time as ever to ask God to step in. Thankfully, through prayer, reflection, and spiritual direction, He showed me a few ways to start advocating for myself personally and professionally. Here’s how I did it:

Have the courage to question your current situation.

After my miscarriages, I was unsatisfied with the support I received at my doctor’s office. Rather than stay put, I decided to find a better fit. 

My first step was to find a different doctor, a different test, and anything that could point to a solution for my inability to carry children. Luckily through family, persistence, and hormonal crying to more than one very nice receptionist, I found an appropriate specialist. I received a new diagnosis that required surgery, but had a more positive outlook than my initial diagnosis (or rather, lack thereof!).

Be professional and direct, but also human.

With this new diagnosis came many doctors’ appointments and the surgery itself, which all quickly got in the way of travel and meetings with a new challenging client at work. He accused me of being unavailable and inconsistent, and requested that my boss step in on the project in my place.

Of course my initial reaction was to postpone the surgery – I felt like my career was on the line. But the situation caused me to finally look inside myself and think about what was most important to me. I ended up calmly responding that I was navigating medical issues, and that I’d appreciate his patience as I resolve them over the following weeks. Luckily, he stopped questioning my conflicts and I continued to work on the project. 

With clients questioning my dedication, I was nervous about my boss questioning my ability to deliver. Having only been at the company a few months, we were still building a working relationship, let alone a personal one. Somewhat out of desperation, I decided to finally tell her about my situation. However, instead of asking for permission to move around and take time off (while apologizing profusely for inconveniences), I simply stated what I needed to do. To my relief, she didn’t question it and actually went on to tell me about a similar medical issue she dealt with. Now, I work around my own schedule with no questions asked, and I have another advocate (my boss) in my corner for future challenges.

Knowing your worth means advocating for what you need.

Amidst all of this, my company gave me a mid-year raise and my client offered me a job at their company. Somehow, during a time when I felt like I was both underperforming and asking for too much, they thought I was actually worth more. I couldn’t believe it. It solidified for me that advocating for my needs didn’t devalue my work or abilities, but instead instilled others’ confidence in them. I now draw on this experience for the self-confidence to assert myself.

As Catholics, we’re told to be attentive to the needs of others. I used to think that meant being passive about my own needs, especially in my professional life. What I now know is that advocating for myself allows me to live as the integrated person I’m designed to be - human and all.

Did you make a New Year’s Resolution to dive deeper into your faith life, only to find yourself binge-watching Parks and Rec yet again? Do you like the idea of looking to the saints for inspiration, but feel more drawn to TV and movie characters who inspire you? Sometimes, it might seem like those characters are more real than the saints. The good news is that Leslie Knope, while not a declared saint in the Catholic Church, has plenty of counterparts among the saints. Read on to find out which real saints you might click with, based on your favorite fictional character.

If you like Olivia Benson, check out St. Mary MacKillop 

Law and Order: SVU Sergeant Olivia Benson is beloved for being a relentless advocate for victims and survivors of sexual abuse, even at great personal cost. The same can be said of St. Mary MacKillop. After uncovering and reporting a case of sexual abuse by a priest, she was excommunicated for “insubordination,” in an act that was really retaliation for being a whistleblower. The bishop who excommunicated her revoked his decision months later while on his deathbed. Because of her empathy for survivors and courage to stand up to corrupt leaders, she is now recognized as a saint. How comforting to know that survivors of sexual abuse have a steadfast advocate in Heaven who is even more determined than Sergeant Benson!

If you like Leslie Knope, check out St. Catherine of Siena 

Parks and Recreation’s Leslie Knope is known as a kind-hearted, optimistic, and ambitious woman who cares deeply about her community of Pawnee. She takes her role as a mid-level government bureaucrat very seriously, going above and beyond for the people of her town. St. Catherine of Siena also cared deeply for her community, visiting the sick in hospitals and using her own resources to serve the poor. She gained respect for her work and soon became involved in politics. She persuaded cities to stay loyal to the pope, visited political prisoners, and publicly called for reform within the Church. She even wrote a polite, yet brutally honest, letter to the pope, telling him to get it together and toughen up: “It seems to me, gracious father, that you are like a lamb among wolves… Up, father!… Up, to give your life for Christ!” I think Leslie Knope would approve of that feisty encouragement. 

If you like Daphne Bridgerton, check out St. Margaret of Scotland

Like Daphne from Bridgerton, St. Margaret was born into the upper crust of English society and raised by her widowed mother, having lost her father at a young age. While Daphne marries a duke, Margaret married Malcolm, the king of Scotland. Like Daphne, Margaret softened the heart of her husband to care more deeply about the needs of his poor and hungry subjects. Margaret and Malcolm were deeply in love and raised a large, close-knit family together, just as Daphne aspires to with her beau.

If you like Mia Thermopolis, check out St. Jadwiga, King of Poland

The Princess Diaries begins when Mia Thermopolis learns that she is the sole heir to the throne of the kingdom of Genovia. If you thought 16 was young for Mia to take on royal duties, you should hear about St. Jadwiga of Poland. After the death of her father and older sister, she was thrust into the role of monarch of Poland at just 10 years old! Although sometimes described as the queen of Poland, her title was technically king, indicating that she would maintain her power even after marrying. As in Mia’s case, plenty of people had strong opinions about whom Jadwiga should marry. Unfortunately, the Polish nobles cast out her preferred match, a Christian boy close in age to her, to whom she’d been betrothed since childhood. Jadwiga was forced to marry a pagan three times her age, on the condition that he converted to Christianity. From the age of 10 until her untimely death at 25, St. Jadwiga ruled alongside her husband and held her own in political negotiations. She was known as a faithful woman and supporter of education who cared especially for the poor and vulnerable.

If you like Jessica Day, check out St. Angela Merici

New Girl’s Jessica Day is a vibrant, bubbly young woman with a passion for teaching. Similarly, St. Angela Merici was moved when she discovered many young girls in her hometown were uneducated, so she took them into her home and taught them herself. Through her charm and enthusiasm, she became well-known in the region and was invited to open schools in neighboring towns, to go on pilgrimages, and even to meet the pope. The group of young women teachers she assembled eventually developed into the Ursulines, the first group of nuns to work out in the secular world instead of staying in a cloister.

If you like Elle Woods, check out St. Catherine of Alexandria

In Legally Blonde, Elle Woods brushes off her family’s disdain at becoming a boring lawyer and confronts peers and professors in law school who don’t believe a beautiful “dumb blonde” has any place in the halls of Harvard. Yet, through her creativity, tenacity, and cleverness, she ends up being more successful than anyone could have imagined. Similarly, St. Catherine of Alexandria was born into a noble pagan family and converted to Christianity in her teens. When she confronted the emperor to protest his cruelty against Christians, he challenged her to debate 50 philosophers - none of them could defeat her, and many ended up converting to Christianity as a result of her persuasive arguments.

If we’re living the “hustle culture” life - caught up in a busy schedule and struggling to maintain a healthy work-life balance - we could probably use some rest. But what if, after drinking that chamomile tea and doing the whole self-care routine, we still don’t feel rejuvenated? It could be that we aren’t getting the type of rest we need. Physician and researcher Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith identified seven different types of rest. Here’s how to integrate each type of rest during your work week, based on what you need to feel rejuvenated.

1. Physical

Taking care of our bodies is more than just exercising and getting enough sleep. First and foremost, we all need physical rest, which improves our well-being. To get some physical rest at work, try:

• a chair massage pillow
• stretches at your desk
• fitting in a quick stretching class (or finding a short video on YouTube)

2. Mental

Perhaps less obvious than physical exhaustion, mental exhaustion can feel like hitting a wall. When we’re constantly using our minds, we might not prioritize the time we need to recover, and we risk adding more stress to our lives. If your ideas feel disconnected and your thoughts escape you, consider:

• taking short breaks in between tasks
• scheduling coffee chats or less mind-intensive activities during the workday

3. Sensory

It’s no surprise that the prolonged periods we spend in front of our phone and computer screens can affect our rest. Even a few minutes a day of sensory rest can mitigate the effects of blue light and frequent notifications. Feeling jittery or like your eyes need a break? Try:

• scheduling times away from a screen
• pausing or silencing notifications
  

4. Creative

What do you draw from to get inspiration at work? Every role requires some level of creativity, whether you’re designing a kitchen or brainstorming for a fundraiser. To keep creativity flowing throughout the workday, Dr. Dalton-Smith recommends that we transform our “workspace(s) into a place of inspiration by displaying images of places [we] love and works of art that speak to [us].” Other things that can improve creativity at work are:

• changing your scenery throughout the day by going for a walk
• listening to music that brings out your creativity

5. Emotional

We need emotional rest after stressful situations. The impact of frequent stress on our bodies and minds can accumulate over time, affecting our ability to focus and work efficiently. While some work environments are more stressful than others, here are ways we can all address emotional fatigue:

• prioritize activities at work and outside of work that allow you to be expressive
• seek out colleagues, mentors, and friends who let you be yourself and feel your feelings

6. Social

While it’s fun to catch up with friends and colleagues, we all need to rest from socializing at some point. For example, you can:

• choose to interact with people who bring out the best in you, rather than drain you 
• say “no” to some social events when you need a break (yes, virtual ones too)

7. Spiritual

If you’re feeling lonely or lacking a sense of purpose, there’s an opportunity for you to step back and connect with God. What is He asking of you? Where can your time and skills be most fruitful? Pope Francis said that we should “learn how to take a break, to turn off [our] mobile phone, to contemplate nature, to regenerate ourselves in dialogue with God.” In doing so, he mentioned sensory, creative, and spiritual ways to rest. During the work week, we can prioritize spiritual rest by:

• starting our day with prayer and offering our work to God
• joining a Bible study or small group
• finding or creating a space that helps us pray

For more tips on rest from expert women, watch the Rest & Resilience Summit Talks here.

Please use discretion in reading, as this post contains content related to sexual and psychological abuse.

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Editor’s Note: We would like to recognize that forgiveness looks differently for each person who is struggling with the aftermath of abuse, and is part of their own unique journey.

If anyone had asked an hour earlier that day if I had forgiven my ex, I would have said yes. After all, I had attended hours of therapy and filled pages of journals. But when I got his text asking me to forgive him, all of the things that I didn’t feel during the actual events exploded in my heart.

Ten years ago, I packed my life into a suitcase and went to study abroad. I reunited with a friend who lived there, and we were soon in a relationship. I was very young and naïve. He had been a missionary, and somehow that justified my blind trust in him. But he had “new” views about everything in our relationship. Being young and insecure, I followed his desires with little to no resistance.

He needed to change me: I could barely speak his language, was far too loud, didn’t dress well enough, had an “immodest” taste for make-up, and still had a long way to go in my studies. In all my years there, there was never something I did right - according to him. He once forced me to apologize to him for my mistakes.

He would get raving mad at me for feeling sick, especially when I had period cramps. I had to be exaggerating, he said, because he had never met girls who felt sick during their periods.

After he gained more power over me, he began to take advantage of me sexually, against my wishes. It took me years to realize that sexual coercion is abuse, and to understand that after I said no, what he did was definitely rape. Validation of this knowledge took years.

Things ended when we came home to spend Christmas with my family. He left without a word. Months later, he wrote to say he never loved me. I couldn’t even decide if the sexual or the psychological abuse had been the most painful. For years, I felt like less than a person, “someone hard to love,” as he liked to say. Eight years later, I now have a job that fulfills me, where I help girls going through similar experiences. 

His text asking for forgiveness caught me off-guard. So, I asked for help.

A friend told me to simply let it go. Another friend recommended talking to a priest, but I had already tried that – the priest had told me I was being a prude. My friend recommended a different priest, and I set up an appointment.

While waiting for my appointment, I talked to a coworker who had also experienced abuse. She said she had not forgiven her abuser, and that she had not even considered it. She contented herself with not thinking about him.

Maybe all the hatred in my heart was there to stay. Maybe the things he did to me were not meant to be forgiven. So, I went to the Catechism and scanned for the word “forgiveness.” In there were the words of the Our Father: "And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.” But that still did not explain how.

I remembered Fratelli Tutti, Pope Francis’ letter on friendship and the connectedness of all people, which I had read just a few weeks before:

"Forgiving does not mean forgetting. Or better, in the face of a reality that can in no way be denied, relativized or concealed, forgiveness is still possible. In the face of an action that can never be tolerated, justified or excused, we can still forgive. In the face of something that cannot be forgotten for any reason, we can still forgive. Free and heartfelt forgiveness is something noble, a reflection of God’s own infinite ability to forgive. 

Those who truly forgive do not forget. Instead, they choose not to yield to the same destructive force that caused them so much suffering. They break the vicious circle; they halt the advance of the forces of destruction. They choose not to spread in society the spirit of revenge that will sooner or later return to take its toll."

I made the decision to do everything in my power to forgive.

When I finally spoke to the priest, I surprised myself by expressing how much I hated my abuser, which is something I could not admit before. This very wise priest helped me understand that God is not a sadist who enjoys my suffering or wants me to continually "offer up" my pain. The priest talked endlessly about God’s love for me, and his desire to really heal me. I could ask God's help to forgive, even if right now I could not, because just wanting to forgive was already a great start. He even offered advice on how to write a response that guaranteed my peace and set clear boundaries.

As soon as I left the meeting and got into my car, I got out my phone and typed a response to my abuser, and then prayed before sending it. Something had really shifted in me. I cannot deny the pain my abuser caused, but my heart was filled with peace, something I did not expect. I guess that's God and His immense love for me. 

I sent the message as soon as I left the chapel:

You have hurt me in ways that you ignore, with actions that should not deserve a name, but sadly they have one.
It is because of you that I can now help others who have suffered similar abuse.
Knowing I am God’s beloved daughter has healed me. He loves me, He created me to be loved and to love. If people can’t follow His commandment of love, it is never my fault.
Therefore, yes, I forgive you. I hope God enlightens your path, gives you his peace and heals your heart.
I ask you to never contact me again.

Have you ever talked to your mom or another female member of your family about your reproductive health history? Discussing reproductive health with our moms might seem like an awkward conversation about sex, but it’s a vital discussion that can help inform your own choices about your health. Fertility cycle health impacts our entire wellbeing, and so understanding our cycle helps us better understand the rest of our body. While it may seem awkward to talk to a mom or aunt about menstruation and family history, it’s one of the best things you can do for your health. 

My grandmother passed away from ovarian cancer, so the conversation about women’s health and our family history was - and is - highly important to the women in my family. My grandmother had reproductive health issues that she didn’t address, and they eventually led to a diagnosis of ovarian cancer when she was 63 years old. She navigated her diagnosis and treatment for four years before passing away at the young age of 67. Because of this, my mom was an even stronger advocate for making sure I understood my cycle and learned that it was an important biomarker for my overall health.

Lisa Hendrickson-Jack is a certified Fertility Awareness Educator and Holistic Reproductive Health Practitioner, and author of The Fifth Vital Sign. She believes that menstruation and cycles are the fifth vital sign of a woman’s health. Our cycles give us information that can help pinpoint particular health issues and get to the root cause of a diagnosis. Many in the fertility awareness space, myself included, have realized just how powerful charting and understanding our cycles are for our health. We can use this data to make positive, impactful changes, from nutrition and cycle-syncing exercise to deciding how to organize our schedule and meetings.

During graduate school, I worked with the Minnesota Ovarian Cancer Alliance (MOCA) and learned about the importance of education for women about reproductive health, part of which is helping women learn about their cycles and engage in conversations with female family members to make sure they understand health history.

Ovarian cancer is impacted by genetics, so family history is an important factor in determining lifetime risk. Additionally, breast cancer genes BRCA 1 and BRCA 2 are markers that can mean an increased risk of ovarian cancer. Endometriosis can also create increased risk for ovarian cancer.

If you’re wondering what questions to ask a female member of your family to better understand your own health history, here are a few to start the conversation:

I have questions about my cycle. Would you be comfortable having a conversation with me about this?

I really want to take care of my reproductive health and I’m wondering if family history impacts my story. Could we talk about it?

Do we have any important stories of reproductive health history that I should know about? 

Have you ever had irregularities in your cycle – while menstruating or ovulating – that have caused you concern?

Does anyone in our family have a history of cysts?

Do you think we can talk about this more so I can make thoughtful choices about my health?

Our reproductive health matters and it’s important that we take care of ourselves by learning about our family’s health history, charting our cycles, and scheduling regular visits with a gynecologist.

Not every reproductive health concern is genetic, but conversations about our reproductive health can also encourage community and support. Sometimes, it’s easy to live with a diagnosis in isolation, and we can fail to see an alternative option, the importance of a second opinion, or the need for more education to advocate for ourselves in the doctor’s office.

Perhaps you’ve heard of an employer providing egg freezing as a benefit for their female employees - or maybe your company offers it. Between marketing by fertility companies and being listed as a “health benefit” by employers, egg freezing promises to offer women further reproductive freedom. But is this accurate? And is egg freezing truly beneficial for women? A close look at the procedure reveals that egg freezing carries serious risks that are worth paying attention to. Here are five reasons to be wary.

1. Risks to immediate health.

Despite (misleading) advertising to the contrary, the process of egg extraction and freezing carries serious health risks, including ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS), a condition that comes with complications such as kidney failure and burst cysts that require surgery. In 1% of women, OHSS is fatal. The hormones used to stimulate the ovaries to produce many eggs in a single cycle also increase a woman’s risk of blood clots and some cancers. The ultimate long-term risks remain unknown, as there has yet to be a longitudinal study to reveal the outcomes for women who undergo these procedures.

2. Risks to future fertility.

This is another case where the fertility industry offers flat-out lies to women to entice them into entering their clinics. For example, one Southern California clinic boasts, “Your ovarian reserve and future fertility are unaffected.” Even in the unlikely case that the process has no effect on a woman’s natural fertility, the fact remains that fertility naturally declines over time, so the choice to delay childbearing could in itself cause problems. The “fall back” of frozen eggs may become a self-fulling prophecy: Women who may not have had issues conceiving in their younger years might be unintentionally creating the very struggles with infertility they are trying to avoid by choosing to delay childbearing. On top of that, IVF – the procedure later used to conceive using the frozen eggs – is expensive, dangerous, and difficult. The process by no means guarantees a child, and those who are successfully conceived face worse outcomes than do naturally-conceived children, including an increased risk of childhood cancer. 

3. Risks of advanced maternal age.

Women who are able to conceive in their advanced years (naturally or otherwise) face higher risks than younger women. The medical community designates “advanced maternal age” as beginning at 35. This is not an arbitrary number: This is the age at which women face significantly increased risks of ectopic pregnancy, premature birth, birth defects, preeclampsia, and maternal mortality. In strictly medical terms, delaying childbirth is not in the best interest of a woman or her child. While many women can and do choose to grow their families at age 35 and beyond, all women need to be aware of the risks in order to make informed decisions. 

4. Who really benefits from egg freezing? 

Given the serious health risks to women and the children they conceive, who really benefits from egg freezing? Certainly the fertility industry benefits by cashing in on young women freezing their eggs. Subsequently, egg freezing extends a woman’s fertility only by the use of IVF, which further forces women and couples to become reliant on that same industry. 

Women who delay childbearing because they have a “backup” may inadvertently create a self-fulfilling cycle in which the delay itself leaves them with a diminished capacity for natural conception. What glitters as a promise to extend their window of fertility in years actually ends up significantly reducing their overall chances of conception, while simultaneously increasing the odds of pregnancy complications and loss. Likewise, corporations will pay out less in time and money to women who delay childbearing, if only because this delay shortens women’s total fertility window and reduces their number of children overall.

In other words: It is less expensive for companies to pay for egg freezing than it is to pay for adequate maternity leave policies.

5. Long-term effects for women in the workplace

If more women choose to delay childbearing, there will be fewer mothers in the workplace, and certainly less pressure on corporations to accommodate the rhythms of women’s fertility. It is imperative that we make space for women to have autonomy in their childbearing practices and for mothers to be successful in the workplace. True equality should not  require women’s bodies to mimic those of men, even in the workplace. Instead of offering egg freezing, truly innovative companies are working to reshape company culture and model authentic accommodation for mothers.

So, is freezing eggs ever beneficial? 

While freezing eggs for later use in IVF is fraught with health risks and ethical issues, there may be good reason to freeze ovarian tissue if you are one of the many women undergoing treatment for cancer. Exciting new treatments offer cancer patients the opportunity to preserve their fertility through removal of the egg-producing tissue from the ovary during treatment, and to have that tissue replaced to restore fertility. This is a beautiful example of medicine working to restore health to full functioning, and is fully compatible with Catholic teaching on fertility.

If you’ve spent any time on TikTok lately, you might have seen Maia Knight and her bright-eyed daughters, Scout and Violet, pop up on your For You Page. Maia is known for her dry sense of humor and her incredible arm strength, often holding both of her eight-month-old twins in one arm as she prepares bottles. But she’s also an example of someone who has created a modern motherhood “village” as she raises her children.

What is a village?

The concept of a village comes from the proverb, “It takes a village to raise a child,” which means that everyone in the community - not just the child’s parents - contributes to a child’s upbringing. The aphorism rings true in diverse cultures throughout history and in some parts of the world today, but it is notably weak in modern American culture, especially in recent years. As our own Abby Jorgenson wrote, “Whatever semblance of a ‘child-raising village’ that American culture encouraged pre-pandemic was stripped down by COVID.”

Staying home with children, especially pre-verbal ones, can feel lonely and isolating. With the support of a village, parents can hand off the baby to a neighbor so they can take a break or focus on a task. They have someone to exchange a glance with in moments of annoyance or giggle with when their child says something hilarious. Daily tasks like feeding and changing babies aren’t as tedious if you can chat with a friend while you’re doing it.

But, with the exception of occasional playgroups, our world isn’t set up for this type of connection. Enter TikTok.

The TikTok village raising Violet and Scout

Maia sets up a camera as she makes bottles, chatting about how many times she was up with the babies last night and her plans for the day. She films her daughters’ sweet excitement upon seeing her after they first wake up. She squishes their faces for the camera, making her signature “goosh goosh” noises. And her followers go wild.

TikTokers joke in the comments that they check in on Scout and Violet more than their own families, and they feel like they are Maia’s co-parents. They shut down anyone who tries to mom-shame her, drowning out the unsolicited criticism with joking critiques like, “I can’t believe you’re still giving them bottles. Aren’t they old enough to make their own?” They affirm her in her natural mothering ability and give her a network of friends to share her world with as a full-time mom.

This is not to say that social media is a replacement for real-life social support. Maia is open about the fact that she does not actually do it alone, but rather relies on a supportive village of friends and family. Her page features visits from aunties and uncles, and her parents frequently help out with childcare, allowing Maia to run errands, spend one-on-one time with the girls, and go out with friends from time to time. She is currently living off her savings so she can stay home with the girls. Her family also helps her out financially, and she frequently expresses how grateful she is for that support.

Everyone benefits from the village

It’s not just mothers like Maia who benefit from having a village - the village gains as much as it gives. Often, if we don’t have children in our close circles, our only exposure may be seeing a screaming child in a restaurant, causing many people to think, “I could never deal with that. I’m never having kids.” If our exposure to children is so limited, it’s no wonder why people are increasingly choosing not to have children.

Spending meaningful time with other people’s children allows non-parents to experience how delightful children can be: their faces lit up when their mom picks them up from grandma’s house, their rosy cheeks after their first sled ride, and their raucous laughter as they learn to interact with each other. Importantly, Maia seems to give a fairly unfiltered look into her life: a sink full of dishes, spitup on the crib sheets, and a mountain of laundry on the bed. But people keep coming back because it’s clear that the joys outweigh the struggles.

Maia is open about the fact that her road to motherhood was not an easy one. She had an unplanned pregnancy and her then-boyfriend told her to get an abortion. When she chose not to, he left her at seven weeks pregnant. She moved in with her parents and suffered from severe depression during the pregnancy before delivering the girls early due to pre-eclampsia. She is now raising them as a single mom. “I didn't make the decision [to raise them alone],” she explains, “he did.” Still, Maia has accepted the situation and maintains a sense of humor about it. (“I’m mom and dad,” says her TikTok bio.) She recalled how she gained confidence in herself as a mother: “I had two AMAZING little girls that are my best friends and realized I could do this. I had my friends and family to support me. All my dreams are coming true.”

While her daughters changed her life, Maia is still exceptionally normal. She posts ‘fit checks and her own versions of TikTok trends. She drinks White Claw, goes out with friends, and has even started dating again. She is in the process of getting her Master’s degree to become a high school chemistry teacher.

Seeing such a normal person thriving as a young mother is inspiring to her followers. One commenter wrote, “You are the only woman who has ever made me believe it’s actually possible to raise kids. Everyone else makes it look so daunting.” The comment clearly resonated with others, receiving over 10,000 likes.

A village that empowers women

Maia loves being a mom and says, “I’m so thankful because motherhood is the most empowering experience.” She recently posted a video to Emmy Meli’s “I AM WOMAN,” a trend where people post pictures of themselves feeling beautiful. She includes pictures that show her belly both pre- and post-pregnancy, action shots of her with her babies, and a video of the three of them dancing together, as affirmations cycle through the audio: “I am woman, I am fearless, I am sexy, I am divine, I am unbeatable, I am creative.” The video received over two million likes.

The popularity of Maia’s TikTok gives us insight into what pregnant women and mothers need to feel supported: a village. Be that village for a mother in your life. A village that helps her out, watching her kids to let her have a night out - or a nap. A village that shares in the joys and struggles of parenting with her. A village that offers support and solidarity through it all, in person or online, reminding her that no matter the circumstances of her pregnancy, she is woman - and she is unbeatable.

In a global and hierarchical institution like the Catholic Church, it can be hard to find your place. As women, we might feel even more like our voices aren’t heard and our experiences aren’t represented in the conversations happening at the top levels of the Church. This is an experience shared by Vanesa Zuleta Goldberg, who is working to find her seat at the table in the global Church, most recently through a recent internship with the Vatican.

Vanesa currently serves as the Digital Content Specialist for the National Federation of Catholic Youth Ministry (NFCYM). She shares her reflections on her internship below.

It was fall 2020 and I found myself a bit disillusioned. I had just left my job and was trying to get my bearings while figuring out what to do next. I had experienced some difficulties working in Church ministry, and with the events of 2020, I found myself feeling smaller and smaller within the Church’s hierarchy and structure. 

I was struggling to see a Church that welcomed all people to the table. I was struggling to see a Church that understood and did not take lightly the call to freedom that is so present in the Bible. I was struggling to even think that I had a place at the table anymore. It didn’t help that we were also at the start of a pandemic, and I found myself at home, unable to reach out to local Church communities to find community and solidarity. 

It was in this struggle that a friend reached out to me about an opportunity that I quickly dismissed: an internship-like program with the Vatican’s Department for Communication for one year, focusing on using digital communication platforms to connect with the Church.

I thanked her for thinking of me and deleted the application form on my desktop. Still, she persisted: “Have you applied yet?” I found myself two weeks from the deadline, still disillusioned, still struggling with feeling seen and heard in the Church, and I decided that the worst that could happen was that I wouldn’t get accepted. 

It wasn’t until I found myself inside the Vatican on a sunny Wednesday morning, with clammy hands and a racing heart, standing with my peers waiting to have a personal greeting with Pope Francis, that I realized I was not small. That I did have a seat at this table. And that I was called to make room for all people at this table - the Church - however I could.

The Vatican project that I’m currently a part of is called “Faith Communication in the Digital World.” We meet every Saturday, sixteen young adults from around the world, calling in from various time zones, to learn, discuss, pray, connect, and brainstorm how we can be a global Church that responds to and interacts with those in our local communities. In the last six months, I have learned from my peers how to listen better, how to love better, to not be afraid to create new things, and to lean into the freeing message of love for all people that we find in the Gospel.

As a Latina woman and daughter of immigrants, whose faith has been impacted by the movements of migration, liberation, and culture, I found myself at a table where I could bring these pieces of myself forward and be seen, heard, and loved as a part of the Church. I could articulate myself about the things I hoped to see unfold in the Church and not be judged, but rather enter into conversations with my peers about how we could make that happen in our local communities. I could share the moments when the Church had hurt me or someone I loved, and find reconciliation with other Catholics who apologized on behalf of the Church for those experiences. I found myself encountering other young Catholics who understood the diverse experience of being a global Church, and how God revealed Himself in those experiences to all of us. 

When I returned to Rome this past summer to meet the members of our cohort in person and explore Rome together, I found myself recaptured by the spirit of the early days of Church: a spirit that was for the poor, the marginalized, the ignored. I found myself tearing off my veil of disillusionment and opening up to the movements of this spirit to let the new air in.

The experience of this program has been humbling and life-changing. It has reminded me of what it means to be a part of the Church, to truly come together as Catholics, and to welcome all people. I carry with me now the stories of my peers, the stories of a global Church that loves her people and promises them freedom.

So you wake up to seeing news about the Catholic Church in the headlines, but it’s not the kind of news that makes you feel proud to be Catholic. Last week, it was the report of Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI mishandling four cases of clerical sexual abuse during his tenure as Archbishop of Munich. But this is not the first time the abuse crisis has been in the headlines in the last few years - and it won’t be the last. 

As you read through the article (or scroll by it in disgust), you probably have mixed emotions. Maybe you’re feeling angry, disappointed, or disheartened. Maybe you’ve even thought about leaving the Church in protest. But you also know there’s so much more to the Catholic Church than this scandal, and you’re a bit sad that the good things you see in the Church don’t tend to make headlines.

On top of all that, you also have to think about how to respond when your friends or coworkers bring up this latest news. What in the world do you say? 

As a Catholic who has had hundreds of conversations about the abuse crisis over the last few years, I have a few suggestions for how to respond when someone asks you about the subject:

Listen First

Before you launch into a lengthy explanation of your own thoughts, take some time to listen to their perspective. Ask a follow-up question to better understand where they are coming from and how you can best respond. Listen with your ears and your heart, take a deep breath, and say a quick prayer to the Holy Spirit for guidance before speaking.

Don’t Defend the Indefensible

Let’s start with what not to do when it's your turn to respond. This is not the time to fall back on knee-jerk responses, protesting that abuse also happens in other contexts or that things are getting better in the Church. While these assertions may be true, they are beside the point. The fact is that too many people have been harmed by abuse in a Catholic context, and Church leaders have too often responded by dismissing, minimizing, shaming, and even outright covering things up. There is no way to defend this behavior, and we shouldn’t try. Instead, acknowledge the horror of abuse and of the numerous leadership failures in responding to that abuse. Share your own feelings of anger and betrayal, and your empathy for those who have been harmed.

Be Sensitive to Trauma

Sadly, an estimated 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 13 boys will experience sexual abuse before they reach age 18; and the number of people who experience sexual violence during adulthood is equally disturbing. This means that you should be aware that the person you’re speaking to might be an abuse survivor herself. Even if her abuse happened in a different context (family, sports, scouting, etc.), she may be deeply impacted by any abuse-related news. Please keep this in mind during your conversation. 

Share What You’re Doing to Help

If you have taken action as a Catholic to support survivors or work for change, you might want to mention what you are doing to be part of the solution. If not, perhaps now is the time to consider how you can use your own resources to raise awareness, advocate for change, and support survivors. Find a local or national organization that is addressing this issue and offer your time, talent, or treasure to support their work. 

Move Towards Hope

This does not mean clinging to false optimism. Instead of denying the darkness, think about where you find hope in the midst of that darkness and consider sharing that. One simple approach is to acknowledge that each new disclosure is a step towards transparency, accountability, and real change. While these headlines are painful to read, media reports don’t cause the abuse and cover-up to happen - they bring to light what has already happened. Facing the truth might be difficult, but it’s a necessary and even hopeful step.

Personally, I spend a lot of time grappling with this evil in my Church, so I have to be intentional about combatting discouragement and cultivating hope. I find great hope when I am united with other Catholics who care about this issue and are working together to make things better. Most importantly, I often remind myself that we have a powerful God that is always working on the side of truth and justice. These problems may seem insurmountable by human efforts, but nothing is impossible for God.

One final note: After a difficult conversation, take some time to acknowledge your own feelings. Are you feeling distressed, angry, or discouraged? Does this news trigger pain and trauma from your own life? Did the conversation make you doubt your own convictions? These are important things to take to prayer and to discuss with fellow Catholics. Sexual abuse in the Catholic Church is a complex and difficult issue, and we are not meant to face it alone.