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“Oh, I’m going to be a stay-at-home mom,” she said, surrounded by the other women at brunch.

They nodded, giving their approval, and the affirmation so many Catholic women seek these days.

I get it.

We want to acknowledge the value in staying home, in foregoing apparent worldly success in order to give day in and day out to one’s family. Because for all the advancements feminism has brought women, greater recognition of caregiving and homemaking hasn’t been one of them.

Because for all the advancements feminism has brought women, greater recognition of caregiving and homemaking hasn’t been one of them.

But what if in proclaiming their desire to be SAHMs, women think they’ve rejected modern feminism, and they’ve actually given into it?

Let me explain.

This wasn’t the first time I’ve heard single, childless women proclaiming their desire to be SAHMs, and I even used to do it myself on occasion.

But after getting married, and having my son last year, I realized one fatal feminist flaw in these proclamations: they leave out the husband.

Much of modern feminism champions women in creating their own destiny, breaking down any glass ceilings in their way to becoming leaders, independent and fierce. This narrative is rooted in independence - encouraging women to go after “What you want,” but also creating an expectation - that women should envision and create an “ideal destiny” - for themselves to pursue.

So young women reflect on who they are, and what “ideal destiny” they believe they want.

For some women, that “ideal destiny” is being a stay-at-home mom.

Whether because they just really love kids, or homemaking, or they want to be holy and think staying home is the holiest way for wives to live - this desire can come from a place of selfishness, or selflessness, or somewhere in between.

But the truth is, marriage is a vocation of two - not one. And I think there’s a danger in women creating their own “ideal destiny” to hold as an expectation over their future marriage.

But the truth is, marriage is a vocation of two - not one.

Because until you meet the man you’re going to marry, you really don’t know what exactly your marriage is going to look like.

What if he’s a lawyer, who has a high salary but an unpredictable schedule?

What if he’s a writer, and a calm disciplinarian but no health insurance?

What if he has a mental or physical illness, that makes working full time difficult, or unstable?

What if he longs to be a medical missionary, and travel frequently to care for those in poverty?

What if he is also supporting his single mom, who finally left her abusive marriage last year?

What if he desires to stay home with kids himself?

The point is, marriage is about uniting your life with someone else. It involves dying to yourself and your independence, for the sake of something deeper, more beautiful, and powerful - your ideal vocation.

The vocation that will make you holy; the vocation God is calling you to, regardless of whether or not it seems “ideal” at first.

We know that holiness involves sacrifice.

Maybe your sacrifice is getting up to go to work every day. Maybe it’s NOT leaving the house to go to work every day.

Maybe your sacrifice is getting up to go to work every day. Maybe it’s NOT leaving the house to go to work every day.

Maybe it’s one for a season, and then the other.

But it should always be about giving … giving yourself away. To those other people God is calling you to love.

That’s what is so powerful about Mary’s example. Not that she was a SAHM and therefore all women should aim to be SAHM’s.

Mary is our model because she said YES… to where God called her. It wasn’t about what “kind” of mom she was going to be. She responded to the call God placed in front of her. And I would bet it didn’t look like she had imagined. ;)

Just like Mary, saying “yes”  will necessitate that you put your identity in God, above your identity in public - whether that's at the family function where in-laws are asking if you’ve ever “going to put that degree to use,”  or back-to-school night where someone mentions how bad they feel for kids who go to after-school-care.

Because God has called you into a marriage, first and foremost. And I don't know the details of all that entails. But God does.

He sees you.

He knows you.

And if He called you to your marriage, then he called you to the work situation that goes along with it, too.

And if He called you to your marriage, then he called you to the work situation that goes along with it, too.

We’ve come a long way for women in terms of learning that they can be either stay at home moms, or working full time, or part time, or some combination of those.

Now we just need to remember to make marriages part of the conversation, too.

If you’ve heard that being a feminist is anti-Catholic, think again.

In today’s world, being a Catholic can be controversial. Especially when it comes to women’s rights.

Feminism has a history of advocating for things that the Catholic Church contends with, whether it be outright support of abortion, or just the connotation that mothering isn’t valuable work.

So it’s not uncommon for a Catholic to cringe at the word “feminist.”

But in 1995, St. Pope John Paul II actually issued a call for women to rise up in the name of feminism - a call for a “new feminism.”

And if feminism is good enough for a Pope who’s also now a canonized saint, well, it’s good enough for me.

Here’s three good reasons Catholics should be proud to sport the (new) feminist label:

1. Women still need our help

While we strive for perfection in Heaven, the world we live in right now is definitely NOT perfect. Some people attribute it to “The Fall,” but whatever the reason, women continue to face oppression globally - like not being allowed to be acknowledged by name, not having equal access to education, or being forced to marry their rapists.

Even in the United States, 1 in 3 women live in or on the brink of poverty, and without guaranteed maternity leave, many women submit to the barbaric option to return to work only days after giving birth.

In his call for New Feminism, St. John Paul II was asking women to take up this movement “in order to acknowledge and affirm the true genius of women in every aspect of the life of society, and overcome all discrimination, violence and exploitation.”

As Catholics, we need to answer this call.

Catholic Social Teaching promotes this idea, too; as Catholics we are called to help the poor and the oppressed. Unfortunately in many cases, those in need are women.

So whether across the street, or across the ocean, women all around the world still need our help - and it's time for Catholics to take up these causes in the name of feminism.

2. To converse with secular culture and better understand feminist concerns

Although some people may equate “feminist” with the “F word,” it’s not fundamentally a bad word. What do words do? They communicate something. And “feminist” communicates something powerful - that you, or your idea, or your movement, is pro-woman.

Voicing your support for women opens doors, and is a tool for starting a conversations that otherwise might not have happened. In our world of 140 character Tweets, it's far too easy for certain topics, or groups, immediately to be stereotyped as anti-woman. But the word “feminist” challenges those assumptions.

Take the pro-life movement, for example. For a long time, Pro-lifers have been cast as being merely anti-abortion, and anti-woman. So much so, that when the infamous “Women’s March” was organized, pro-life groups were identified as being “anti-woman” and unwelcome at the March.

And the group that prompted the most conversation? A Pro-life group that referred to themselves as New Wave Feminists.

By calling themselves feminists, this group and others caused people to stop, and ask - wait, so you actually DO care about women? They created a different kind of conversation.

Using the word feminist also creates an avenue for bridge building with secular feminists, who are often concerned with many of the same issues Catholic feminists want to address (see point #1).

When you can acknowledge that both parties are feminists - that both parties care about women and women’s well being - you've found a starting point for collaboration.

When you can acknowledge that both parties are feminists - that both parties care about women and women’s well being - you've found a starting point for collaboration.

For example, both Secular feminists and Catholic feminists are concerned about women in developing countries and their ability to thrive. While we may disagree on how to approach fertility (whether or not to promote contraception) there are other ways we can work together to support these women - perhaps through nonprofit awareness, micro-lending, or ethical trade.

3. Because our faith DOES see men and women as equal (but we need to better understand what that means)

What’s the definition of feminism again? The belief that men and women are equal.

Here’s the thing. The Catholic Church agrees. In fact, it’s literally Catholic doctrine that men and women are equal.

“Man and woman have been created… in perfect equality as human persons; says the Catechism.

“Man and woman are both with one and the same dignity "in the image of God". In their "being-man" and "being-woman", they reflect the Creator's wisdom and goodness.

And just in case you’re tempted to think that men are “better” because God walked the earth as a man, the Catechism goes on: “In no way is God in man's image. He is neither man nor woman. God is pure spirit in which there is no place for the difference between the sexes. But the respective "perfections" of man and woman reflect something of the infinite perfection of God.”

So the perfection of man and the perfection of woman - together, reflect God’s image in humanity.

So the perfection of man and the perfection of woman - together, reflect God’s image in humanity.

But what does the “perfection of woman” look like? Well, we’re still trying to figure that out. Which is why even the Pope called for a deeper Theology of Woman - to try to answer these questions. That’s one of the main goals of FemCatholic, too.

Feminism is about advocating for women and allowing them to thrive as their most authentic selves. Well, who better to inform us on how to do that, than the One who designed woman in the first place?

When I first read the “anti-diversity” memo from a (now former) Google employee, I just tweeted a little and wanted to move on. However, as a female in a STEM field, I've been feeling pulled to talk about it.

I was actually ⅔ of the way done writing a defense of the memo (while acknowledging some of the flaws), but it just didn't feel like the right direction. There are plenty of arguments on both sides - either claiming it is a hugely sexist piece, or people praising him as a martyr for conservative thought - neither of which is really an accurate analysis.

I don't want to talk about the pros and cons of his memo in this post (although we can certainly discuss it if you'd like). Instead, I want to discuss an aspect of the memo that triggered a lot of outrage: the idea that men and women are different.

It seems like whenever the reality of this difference is acknowledged, people immediately get defensive and deny it. To be fair, I understand why this ignites such a negative response. When we acknowledge that there are differences between the two sexes,  people start making assumptions, and no one wants to have people assume incorrect things about them. People also mistake generalizations about a sex as a truth for every individual (i.e. women don’t know as much about sports as men). But these generalizations are not always accurate for each and every person. So this is absolutely something we should call out.

The other problem, and much bigger one in my eyes, is when people translate differences in characteristics and preferences into differences in intellectual ability or value.

I've dealt with these negatives first-hand since I started telling people I wanted to be an engineer in high school.

I rolled my eyes at the guy who told me it was a “man's job.”

I bit my tongue when a project teammate in college admitted to excluding me from prototype-building because I'm a woman.

I resisted providing a demonstration of forces with my fist during a physics lab when my lab partner refused to listen to what I was saying… until a male confirmed it.

I smiled politely whenever the scientist I was working with added “for a girl” to his compliments.

And these are just minor annoyances. There are women who face legitimate discrimination or challenges due to their female sex.

However, these scenarios are a distortion of what being different means, and I believe we need to address these distortions rather than denying the differences between the two sexes.

When we act as though there is no difference between men and women, we force women to stifle their feminine attributes

When we act as though there is no difference between men and women, we force women to stifle their feminine attributes. Female characteristics are viewed as weaknesses and therefore must be pushed away or hidden in the name of equality. But this isn’t what feminism is about, and it certainly isn’t God’s plan for women.

Feminism is about equality between the sexes, because the differences between men and women don’t make one sex more valuable than the other. Women should not have to be the same as men to be treated with the same level respect. True feminism celebrates the unique contributions women can make because of their sex, not in spite of it.

Women should not have to be the same as men to be treated with the same level respect.

I’m not denying this will be a challenge; women have experienced centuries upon centuries of feminine characteristics being viewed as weaknesses. But true equality celebrates the differences between the sexes. God created both man and woman for complementarity, not for mimicry. Our differences are a good thing, a beautiful thing, and a necessary thing. The unique gifts of women and the unique gifts of men together give us the full picture of humanity.

Pope Francis said “The difference between man and woman is not meant to stand in opposition, or to subordinate, but is for the sake of communion and generation, always ‘in the image and likeness of God.’” As women, let’s proudly present our portion of the image and likeness of God. The world needs us to.

The all-male Catholic priesthood is an issue I know doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense to a lot of people, and I completely understand, having been there myself. Still, I find it really tragic that more people aren’t talking about this question of women and the priesthood – especially Catholics. The Catholic faith is really amazing in that, no matter how much you explore and learn, you can always go deeper. So in a certain sense, there are things that we accept without understanding. But we’re also thinking human beings, and questioning what we don’t understand can lead to a greater depth of faith.

When I was little, I remember asking my mother, “Why can’t girls be priests?”

To which she replied, “Do you want to be a priest?”

I didn’t, so that was that. I’m not sure I bought that entirely, but it was enough for the moment. As I got older, it seemed to make more sense to me. We call a priest “Father”, priests are spiritual fathers, women can’t be fathers. Done and done. And then, roughly a year ago, it struck me.

Why do they have to be fathers?

So I asked questions. I texted my cousin. I emailed a couple of my aunts. I cornered a friend at midnight and asked questions… and more questions. And then I researched. Now here I am, almost exactly a year later, and I’m ok with women not being priests. More than that, I think it’s fantastic.That being said, if it bothers you that the Catholic Church doesn’t allow women to become priests, don’t leave the Church because of that. But don’t ignore your frustration, either. That frustration and indignation is a sign that you want better than what you see is going on. If I perceive that an injustice is being done, either a) it is, or b) I don’t have all the information. Either way, I should do something. Starting with making sure I have all the information. It drives me crazy when Catholics don’t understand a controversial issue and don’t concern themselves with trying to understand it. When you’re really having a crisis of faith, it is not comforting to hear, “Yeah, I can’t really explain it, I just trust the Church.” That’s all well and good, but in the realm of spiritual customer service, we’re not called to be Walmart salespeople. We’re called to be Starbucks baristas.

♦♦♦

I invite you to take a look at some of the reasons for the all-male priesthood that I came across in my research. Some of them make more sense to me than others. Also, I see some of these reasons working together, not necessarily as stand-alone explanations. Really, numbers 4, 5, and 6 are the ones that I love. The others… well, I included them because, even if they don’t make sense to me, maybe they’ll make sense to someone else. Without further ado:

1. Jesus chose men to be Apostles, and the bishops and the pope are the successors to the Apostles.

Ok. I mean, I get it. It still doesn’t really resonate with me. As a friend of mine put it recently: This gives us the “how we know” the priesthood is only for men. It doesn’t give us the “why”.

2. Men wouldn’t want to be priests if women could be priests.

I’ve heard this a few times… and it bothers me. I do think it’s possible that, as a very general rule, women are more inclined to spirituality and religion than men. But at the same time… we should prop up men’s egos because otherwise they wouldn’t go to church? Because they want to have something special that only they get to do? That just seems wrong. And wouldn't this be like we’re enabling misogyny? Granted, no priest has ever told me this, but I have heard this argument from both sexes.

3. Jesus was a man.

To be perfectly honest, I don’t 100% buy this one. I came across it in Edith Stein’s “Essays on Woman”. That woman is a genius (I might even say... a feminine genius) and is really good at talking about the similarities and differences between men and women (also she’s a saint). But I – respectfully – just don’t get her argument here. She says, “Christ came to earth as the Son of Man. The first creature on earth fashioned in an unrivaled sense as God’s image was therefore a man; that seems to indicate to me that He wished to institute only men as His official representatives on earth.” She goes on to mention that, at the same time, Jesus united himself to Mary in a unique way, and that the calling to religious sisterhood is a sublime calling. I’m not disputing any of that, but personally it doesn’t seem like the strongest argument. It actually sounds to me as though men are inherently superior, which – aside from the multitude of problems that idea has caused – reinforces the perspective of clericalism (see below). Still, if it’s good enough for Edith Stein, it would be arrogant of me not to include it in this list.

4. The Jewish religion is unique among ancient religions of its time in that it did not have priestesses. Christianity follows this tradition.

This argument comes from Joseph Ratzinger, future Pope Benedict XVI. I find this fairly compelling, actually. Ratzinger says,

“Christianity, here too following the ‘scandalous’ original example of Jesus, opens a new situation to women; it accords them a position that represents a novelty with respect to Judaism. But of the latter he preserves the exclusively male priesthood. Evidently, Christian intuition understood that the question was not secondary, that to defend Scripture (which in neither the Old nor the New Testament knows women priests) signified once more to defend the human person, especially those of the female sex.”

(quoted from The Ratzinger Report – see list of resources below)

5. The fact that women cannot be priests safeguards against clericalism.

This gem actually comes from our very own Pope Francis. In an interview with an Italian newspaper, he said, “Women in the Church must be valued, not ‘clericalized’.” I think this is a really beautiful insight, and it had never occurred to me. Women are valuable. To say that we need to make women priests in order to acknowledge or confirm the dignity of women would be to completely misunderstand the dignity of human beings and the role of the clergy. Priests are not more important or holier than any other Christians. But if we mistakenly think that priests, bishops, and cardinals are the roles we should all aspire to, the cream of the crop, of course it’s going to seem like a put-down when the positions aren’t open to some people.

6. Motherhood is the natural feminine complement to the priesthood.

MIND. BLOWN. That was my initial reaction anyway. This completely changed my entire perspective. Religious sisters are beautiful, beautiful souls and I cannot do them justice. But if we’re being perfectly honest, nuns are not really a perfect complement to the priesthood. The Church might be able to struggle on if all of the nuns in the world vanished. But the Church definitely would not be able to survive if all of the priests vanished – how else would we receive the sacraments? How else would we receive Jesus himself in the Eucharist? This was my problem. It seemed as though men were essential in a way in which women were not. (Again, I know I am downplaying the importance of nuns, and I apologize. But this is what was going through my head.) And then it hit me. I was probably reading Alice von Hildebrand’s The Privilege of Being a Woman, which I highly recommend. The answer is so natural, so simple, so obvious that it’s so easy to miss. What is the one thing that a woman can do that a man cannot? Literally grow a human being inside of her body! And it seems so commonplace, but can we take a minute to just marvel at everything that entails? Not to mention the fact that God himself touches a mother when he places another soul inside of her? I mean, sure, men who are priests bring us Jesus in the Eucharist (which is crazy important, don’t get me wrong) – but every single woman who is a mother brings a new soul to Jesus.

Archbishop Fulton Sheen even SAYS (I absolutely love this quote): “When a mother carries the young life within her through a free act of love, she has a different kind of love from what any man has for a neighbor. Most of us love a non-self, or something extrinsic and apart from our inner life; but a mother’s love during the time she is a flesh-and-blood ciborium is not for a non-self but for one that is her very self, a perfect example of charity and love which hardly perceives a separation. Motherhood then becomes a kind of priesthood. She brings God to man by preparing the flesh in which the soul will be implanted; she brings man to God in offering the child back again to the Creator.”

♦♦♦

So, I hope this has been helpful, either for you, dear reader, or to share with someone else who’s trying to tackle these questions. This is by no means a complete list. Let me know if you have other reasons I haven’t come across! I’d like to close with another quote from the charming Fulton Sheen:

“Nature had to prepare for [mothers] through millions of years by begetting a love that would freely desire children, a love that would educate them, and a love that would sacrifice for them because of their sovereign worth as persons endowed with immortal souls. Such love could not come from the beast, for that kind of love is a gift of God… The mother is both the physical preserver of life and the moral provider of truth; she is nature’s constant challenge to death, the bearer of cosmic plenitude, the herald of eternal realities, God’s great cooperator.”

P.S. Below, I’m listing some resources that have been helpful for me.

The interview in which Pope Francis talked about women and clericalism (it’s a very short snippet near the bottom of the page).

The interview with Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger (now Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI) shared in the book The Ratzinger Report (specifically Chapter Seven: “Women, a Woman” – I honestly haven’t read the rest of the book yet)

Declaration on the Question of Admission of Women to the Ministerial Priesthood (from the Vatican’s Sacred Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith).

Also definitely check out Fulton Sheen’s talk Life Is Worth Living. You can also find it in book form. I’ve only read two chapters, but I love it. The man really has a way with words.

And now for the ladies:

The Privilege of Being a Woman by Alice von Hildebrand – brilliant and easy-to-read. One or two of her points I took issue with, but overall, it’s really good. She also makes a point to acknowledge that there are some biblical passages and writings of Jewish scholars and Christian saints that are “far from complimentary” towards women. And then she takes you beyond those writings.

Essays on Woman by Edith Stein – requires more concentration than von Hildebrand, but she also has some really good stuff to say, regarding women AND men. Some of the ways she phrases things sound a little sexist sometimes, but maybe that’s the translation or just the time in which she was writing. Or maybe I’m a little hypersensitive. Regardless, the rest of what she has to say is really wonderfully profound.

Fertility Awareness isn’t just about pregnancy and women’s health; it’s about equality.

It’s Natural Family Planning Awareness week - which means you may see a lot of women promoting NFP because “my body isn’t broken,” “children are a gift,” and “cycles are part of being a woman.”

Maybe you agree with those things. Maybe you don’t.

If you’re a feminist, maybe it doesn’t matter; because those arguments are all missing the point.

Feminism by definition is “the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes.”

What does NFP have to do with equality?

Well, the main ‘difference’ between men and women is that women carry and bear children, and the way our body is designed and functions is largely oriented around this capacity.

Oh, and sex has different ramifications for women. MAJORLY different ramifications.

So it’s not surprising that feminists have so consistently been focused on women’s health and reproductive rights. These issues are rooted in the most significant difference between the sexes, and therefore, the most common starting point for sexism and oppression of women.

The increasing forms and prevalence of birth control have seemingly enabled women to live and work side-by-side with men in all the same ways, without having to worry about or make accommodations for pregnancy, childbirth, and everything that comes with it, like breastfeeding.

But there’s a problem.

This apparent state of “equality” for women still hinges on us censoring our difference - our capacity to get pregnant.

This apparent state of “equality” for women still hinges on us censoring our difference - our capacity to get pregnant.

Oh and sometimes, birth control fails. So then women’s equality actually hinges not on birth control, but on abortion. Anne Bailey, who works as a field organizer for NARAL, affirmed: “we can never have gender equality if we don’t have access to legal and affordable abortion care.”

You know why most women get abortions? Because having a baby would dramatically change their life. A sentiment often due to lack of support from men ( whether financial, day to day support for work / school, or state in life, such as that of a single mom).

So even with birth control, and abortion, women are left to deal with fertility on their own.

That doesn’t sound like equality to me.

NFP isn’t feminist because it allows women to embrace their motherhood.

Or have more babies.

Or preserve their femininity.

Or even know their body better (although this is a close second).

These can be good things. But they're not the fundamental point here.

NFP is feminist because it invites men into the conversation on fertility.

NFP invites men to be equally aware, and responsible, of what can happen when you have sex. And equally intentional about their actions.

It's not just the day to day awareness of whether or not it's a “fertile day.” The process of learning NFP requires men to learn how a woman's body functions, and how different it is from their own.

That knowledge is powerful. Just ask any man who's learned it.

Not to mention, learning NFP is oriented around educating people on how women work. Honestly, how often can we say that's the case elsewhere?

NFP sets the tone that sex is different for women, and it serves as a constant reminder to both men and women that it includes a kind of vulnerability for women, that sex doesn't require from men.

NFP sets the tone that sex is different for women, and it serves as a constant reminder to both men and women that it includes a kind of vulnerability for women, that sex doesn't require from men.

Now, some of you might be wondering - can't all this be true with birth control, too?

Not quite.

Because NFP is not just “catholic approved” birth control - and that is a really important distinction.

People may try to use NFP methods as just a “natural” contraceptive, but without discernment - that's not actually NFP.

The purpose and power in NFP is the constant discernment and conversation between spouses. Saint Pope John Paul II puts it like this:

“In deciding whether or not to have a child, [spouses] must not be motivated by selfishness or carelessness, but by a prudent, conscious generosity that weighs the possibilities and circumstances, and especially gives priority to the welfare of the unborn child. Therefore, when there is a reason not to procreate, this choice is permissible and may even be necessary. However, there remains the duty of carrying it out with criteria and methods that respect the total truth of the marital act in its unitive and procreative dimension, as wisely regulated by nature itself in its biological rhythms. One can comply with them and use them to advantage, but they cannot be 'violated' by artificial interference.”

To summarize - whether you want to get pregnant or avoid pregnancy, you need to discern it, discuss it, and then consciously choose your actions accordingly.

Which is why if you use NFP but aren’t communicating, or your husband resents or blames you for your cycle - something needs to change. Because that’s not mutually taking responsibility, it’s still the woman bearing the burden of fertility by herself.

But don’t be discouraged! Using a natural method is half the battle, because in my experience, out of necessity it prompts a lot of the discernment conversations you need to be having. It really forces you to confront what you or your husband said you’ve discerned, and just how seriously you’ve discerned it.

Those conversations aren’t easy. But, to really follow NFP and receive its fruits, you have to dive in, and face the feelings, fears, and frustrations you’re both having. I promise you’ll grow closer in the process. Be not afraid.

In the tough times especially, I think a lot of women start feeling like a “burden” to their husbands and their marriage. That’s a dangerous lie - because it’s still rooted in this idea that woman alone is responsible for fertility. But it takes two; and through NFP, we need to invite and allow men to step up to their proper, equal role.  

The more men learn about NFP, the more empowered they are, too. Because they can see for themselves how cycles are changing, what today’s forecast is, and what to expect based on what you’ve both discussed. They can also better support women through their erratic cycles, PMS, or challenges conceiving. But they need the knowledge to do so.

For too long, men’s bodies and the way they work has been upheld as the “gold standard.”

For too long, men’s bodies and the way they work has been upheld as the “gold standard.”

Birth control sustains this idea by providing women “equality” through attempting to conform their bodies to this “standard.” Which leaves women alone as responsible to control their fertility, and deal with the ramifications of it.

True equality requires that we first acknowledge how women’s bodies work. And then that we invite men to be equally aware of how fertility works as a couple. That’s what NFP does.

It’s time we stop underestimating men.

It’s time we ask more of men.

It’s time for equality.

But ladies, we are in control. It’s time to invite men into this part of ourselves, of our lives, of our relationships.

Be not afraid.

"The violence which so many individuals and peoples continue to experience, the wars which still cause bloodshed in many areas of the world, and the injustice which burdens the life of whole continents can no longer be tolerated."

You would think those words were spoken yesterday. Terrorism, shootings, and other acts of violence seem to overtake our news these days. But this call to action was actually made over 20 years ago, by St. Pope John Paul II (JP2) in his 1995 address for World Day of Peace.

In that same address, JP2 advocated for a particular solution - the advancement of women.

“The work of building peace can hardly overlook the need to acknowledge and promote the dignity of women as persons, called to play a unique role in educating for peace,” he wrote. “I urge everyone to reflect on the critical importance of the role of women in the family and in society, and to heed the yearning for peace which they express in words and deeds and, at times of greatest tragedy, by the silent eloquence of their grief.”

There is something about a grieving woman - a mother, wife, daughter - that tugs on heartstrings. But JP2 is emphasizing something much bigger here. He is affirming that women have a particular and unique ability to promote peace throughout the world. Then, and even more so now - his words are calling us to respond.

Women's peace-making genius

Where does woman’s unique peacemaking ability come from? It is rooted in our maternal nature - yes, women’s physical capacity to bear children. JP2 explains that this capacity of our physical bodies reveals something fundamental about women. It reveals that "God 'entrusts the human being in a special way (to women)”. Or as St. Edith Stein puts it, “Woman naturally seeks to embrace that which is living, personal, and whole.”

Don’t misinterpret this maternal quality to mean women are docile. Mothers are fierce - just  think of a mama bear protecting her young. But a mother must also know how to create a state of peace in which others can be born, and nurtured to grow. All women - not just physical mothers - have this unique ability by the very nature of being a woman. Which is why it’s not just the advancement of mothers, but of all women, that promotes peace in the world.

“When women are able fully to share their gifts with the whole community, the very way in which society understands and organizes itself is improved, and comes to reflect in a better way the substantial unity of the human family,” said JP2. “Here we see the most important condition for the consolidation of authentic peace” (emphasis added).

Our Pope recognized that women’s free and equal ability to participate in society is essential to promoting peace, and since 1995, others have spoken up in agreement.

World leaders agree women's leadership is critical

The United Nations has also recognized that women play a pivotal role in establishing peace. In 2000, the UN passed Resolution 1325, a bylaw that “calls for increased participation of women at all levels of decision-making, including in national, regional, and international institutions; in mechanisms for the prevention, management and resolution of conflict; in peace negotiations; in peace operations, as soldiers, police, and civilians; and as Special Representatives of the U.N. Secretary-General.”

Women are needed at all levels of conflict management, because our gifts uniquely equip us to find solutions to establish peace.

Women that are local to the conflict are particularly effective, researcher Laurel Stone notes, “because they bring a more comprehensive peace plan to the negotiating table by addressing societal needs rather than solely focusing on what will make the warring parties happy.”

The UN acknowledges that women experience war differently than men, and therefore “Women offer a vital perspective in the analysis of conflict as well as providing strategies toward peacebuilding that focus on creating ties across opposing factions and increasing the inclusiveness, transparency, and sustainability of peace processes.”

For example, consider the influence of 2011 Nobel Peace Prize winner Leymah Gbowee. After years of war in her country, Liberia, she organized local women in groundbreaking interreligious nonviolent protests to pressure governmental peace talks that ultimately led to an end to the war, as well as the election of the first elected woman leader of a country in Africa.

Feminism increases the success of peace

But if women are such effective peacemakers, why are they not placed in positions of greater influence?

“Too often, women’s roles are marginalized because they are not seen in terms of their leadership. We must see women as leaders, not victims. We must also view their participation not as a favor to women, but as essential to peace and security” explains Melanne Verveer, U.S. Ambassador-at-Large for Global Women’s Issues at the U.S. Department of State.

That’s why feminism, in its work to promote opportunities for women, remains essential. We must recognize that the advancement and equal influence of women is fundamental to establishing peace in our world.

In 1995, JP2 asserted that this right should be established by law if necessary: “The growing presence of women in social, economic and political life at the local, national and international levels is thus a very positive development. Women have a full right to become actively involved in all areas of public life, and this right must be affirmed and guaranteed, also, where necessary, through appropriate legislation” (emphasis added).

Yet over twenty years later, there is still much room for improvement. Currently, “women make only 3 percent of UN military peacekeepers.” The lack of women involved in these discussions has serious ramifications - not only regarding the effectiveness of peacekeeping solutions, but also how long they last. “When women are included in peace processes, there is a 20 per cent increase in the probability of an agreement lasting at least 2 years, and a 35 per cent increase in the probability of an agreement lasting at least 15 years.”  

Those numbers represent countless lives saved - mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, and friends. We cannot continue to ignore the need for peace in our world. And we cannot continue to ignore the importance of advancing women as participants and leaders in these efforts.

Dating is hard. We know this. Throw in expectations for your husband-to-be to subscribe to a very specific Catholic dogma, though, and the spousal needle just got buried in a way bigger haystack.

The woes of Catholic women wending their way through the frustrating world of modern dating (if it can be called that), where hookup culture is alive and thriving and half of marriages end in divorce, are familiar to all of us. My own personal experiences and the stories my Catholic girlfriends tell me confirm a good man truly is hard to find.

It’s not impossible though, and every day inspiring Catholic couples join in the sacrament of marriage. Which is great. But it can also make you wonder, “What am I doing wrong?”

First of all, know you’re not alone. Lots of people, not just Catholics, struggle to find someone who values truth, beauty, and goodness. In a world that sometimes seems dominated by depravity, dating can be downright disheartening. The following are some tips aimed at helping those called to the vocation of marriage to steer clear of despair while dating, and maybe even enjoy it!

Maintain your high standards

Faithfully carrying out the teachings of the Catholic Church is not easy, especially when so much of modern culture is contrary to what we believe. It can be easy to fall into the habit of talking yourself into a guy who seems “good enough,” but remind yourself what it is you really want from marriage and what you want in a husband.

Don’t become complacent and don’t settle. Remember your immortal soul is at stake here. The person you marry should want the same basic things out of life and marriage as you do: to live in a way that brings you closer to God and ultimately prepares your soul for admittance to the Heavenly Kingdom. If the guy you’re dating doesn’t share the same outlook on life as you do, and certainly if he rejects your beliefs outright, you know it’s time to call it quits.

The person you marry should want the same basic things out of life and marriage as you do

Try thinking of a few relationships you really admire that exemplify strong, Catholic matrimony. Keep them in the forefront of your mind when evaluating your relationships. Is this man going to lead me to deeper grace and imitate the love and virtue exhibited by St. Joseph, who loved the Blessed Mother through all their trials, poverty, and hardships? Be honest.

…but be realistic

If you’re ever going to be a snob, picking a life partner is the time to do it. “‘Til death do us part” is, we hope, a long time, and marrying the first guy who tells you he loves you, or the guy you’re dating when you’re 30 and all-my-friends-are-married-and-my-clock-is-ticking-and-I-really-want-kids-already, isn’t going to make you happy in the long-run.

It’s important, as I’ve said, not to settle. But it’s just as important to keep your priorities in order and not dismiss a potential husband simply because he isn’t handsome enough, doesn’t make enough money, doesn’t share your love of Thai food, or whatever. It’s easy to be caught up in the charm of a beguiling smile or the prestige of a well-paying career, but vanities fade quickly. If a guy isn’t exactly what you thought you were looking for, give him a chance anyway. He may surprise you.

Remember there’s value in every relationship

You’ll probably date a handful of men, at least, in your matrimonial journey. It’s natural and healthy to have different and diverse experiences to figure out what you really want and what you definitely, really do not want. You learn about yourself, and if you’re lucky, add a few more guy friends to your list along the way.

Sometimes, however, you may look back at certain relationships that ended nebulously, or to relationships that didn’t happen at all, and think, “What if?” You may question God’s decision to keep you from marrying a certain someone you just know was right for you.

every human experience has the potential to move you closer to sainthood.

Remember that every human experience has the potential to move you closer to sainthood. You may not always get your way, and you will probably be very confused at times, but every relationship, regardless of how it turns out, has value. You may not understand why God puts someone in your life or keeps him out, but if He lets it happen, you know it’s His will. Maybe God simply wanted you to inspire someone to go to Church, or to pray for a soul in need – and we all pray for our exes, right?

Dating is a profound way to appreciate the goodness of other humans and to help a guy (or girl) be a better person, even if he’s not your person.

Don’t forget that God is in charge

There’s a country song that’s great because it’s sung by Garth Brooks, and is also great because it reminds us that God, who created the heavens and earth and has numbered every hair on our heads, knows what he’s doing.

In the song (“Unanswered Prayers”), Brooks talks about running into his old high school flame years after they’ve graduated and they’re both married to other people. He recalls how all he wanted in high school was to be with this girl forever, and, seeing her next to the woman he did eventually marry, he thanks God for not giving him what he so desperately wanted when he was a teenager.

The point is - God loves you and wants you to seek and attain His love. If marriage is your vocation and you ask God for help, He’s not just going to let you flounder around helplessly dating deadbeats ‘til you die. God has a plan for you.

Each and every holy and successful marriage that has ever existed has been because God willed it and the circumstances that led it to be.

Each and every holy and successful marriage that has ever existed has been because God willed it and the circumstances that led it to be. College sweethearts, after all, both happened to apply, be accepted to, and decide to attend the same school. They also happened to take the same elective course, or happened to be assigned to the same dorm which led to their acquaintance. A lot of pieces have to fall into place for two people to come together, fall in love, and build a holy foundation. And we have God to thank for every one of those occurrences.

While you can’t fabricate meaningful relationships out of thin air or force them to appear, God does help those who help themselves. I’m not saying if you sit at home in your yoga pants and pray that Prince Charming will show up magically at your doorstep and sweep you off your feet. I’m all about putting yourself out there on dating sites, mingling with other people your age at events, and re-applying that lipstick for a trip to the grocery store. But remember that God is always in charge. So trust Him. St. John the Baptist de La Salle instructs us, “Do not have any anxiety about the future. Leave everything in God’s hands for he will take care of you.”

Enjoy the adventure

Try to appreciate your journey toward marriage and savor the fun exciting – and oftentimes really amusing moments of dating. Love won and lost is the reason for Taylor Swift’s genius musical output and is the inspiration for many a great book and movie. Let your love life be one of learning, laughter, and self-discovery.

When in doubt, say a novena

Pray for a husband. Pray for your future husband. But don’t forget to pray to know God’s will and to do it! If you’re not doing God’s will, how can he lead you on the dating path that leads down the aisle?

If you’re not doing God’s will, how can he lead you on the dating path that leads down the aisle?

And don’t forget to take solace in knowing our hearts will be restless until they rest in God, not in other people. St. Gerard Majella reminds us, “Who except God can give you peace? Has the world ever been able to satisfy the heart?”

Can you sift through the unrealistic standards and expectations that society sometimes puts on women?

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Do you ever struggle with that feeling that you’re not enough? At work, you might feel like you aren’t as talented or knowledgeable as your co-workers and that you’ll never reach your career goals. In your relationships, you might feel like you aren’t lovable enough as a person. If you are a mother, you might constantly fear that you aren’t enough as a parent. And as a busy, modern woman, you might feel like there is never enough time in the day to get everything done. At your most stressed, you might feel like you never achieve enough balance in your life between work, your personal life, your self-care, etc.

But, is it true that you’re not enough? Often, when you feel like you aren’t enough, you are measuring yourself again some kind of standard. But, have you ever stopped to really think about whether or not that standard is even true? You might be surprised to find that, at its core, this belief isn’t true.

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For example, let’s say you struggle with feeling lovable in your relationships whether it’s with your family, with your friends, or in your romantic life. In those situations, you’re likely thinking, “I’m not pretty enough, smart enough, athletic enough, funny enough…” and the list can go on and on. Ask yourself what standard you are measuring yourself against when you are thinking these thoughts. Are your expectations even realistic? Are your expectations only serving to make you feel bad about yourself instead of motivating you to be the best version of yourself? If the thoughts only lead to your self-worth taking a nosedive, then the lies aren’t worth keeping around. Instead of letting these lies rule your life, try replacing them.

No one likes me because I’m not as smart/funny/pretty/talented as other people I admire.

The Lie: No one likes me because I’m not as smart/funny/pretty/talented as other people I admire.

The Truth: Is it true I don’t have any friends or meaningful relationships? (Probably not.) I have people in my life who like me for who I am. No one is perfect and I have people in my life who like me just as am with all of my talents, positive qualities, and my flaws.

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Let go of the old lie that brought you so much unhappiness and embrace the truth that you are enough. You’ll find these lies that we automatically accept as truth can pop up in many areas of our lives. Let’s say that, at work, you experience a constant undercurrent of fear that you are under-qualified for the work that you do and that it’s only a matter of time before someone discovers that you are just lucky that you got your current job. But is that really true?

I got this job by luck and it’s only a matter of time before someone discovers I’m a big fraud.

The Lie: I got this job by luck and it’s only a matter of time before someone discovers I’m a big fraud.

The Truth: I went to school and trained for this job and career. I interviewed for this job and was selected out of all of the other applicants. It’s okay to seek out support for the things I need help with at work and it doesn’t mean I’m a failure or an impostor. I’m not expected to know everything about everything. (Talk about impossible!) Just because some parts of my job are challenging doesn’t mean that I’m not right for the job.

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And then there are those times where we feel like are “less” than those around us because we haven’t yet met some of the milestones we’ve set for ourselves. For example, if you’re single, it can be easy to let yourself feel like you are not enough because you aren’t married yet. Or, maybe you really want to have kids but are having trouble getting pregnant. It can be tempting to fall into thinking of yourself as “broken” or somehow less because having kids isn’t as easy as it seems like it is for other people. But is it really true that you’re worth less than others simply because you aren’t married, don’t have kids, or aren’t in a high-powered career?

Unless I’ve achieved certain milestones or accomplishments in my life, I’m not as good as other people who met those milestones or accomplishments. I’m worth less than others.

The Lie: Unless I’ve achieved certain milestones or accomplishments in my life, I’m not as good as other people who met those milestones or accomplishments. I’m worth less than others.

The Truth: All of those milestones and accomplishments are external, meaning they don’t affect who you are at your core. You are inherently worthy and valuable simply because you are you and regardless of your stage in life or your accomplishments. You deserve to see yourself as worthy whether you are single, married, have kids, don’t have kids, work a high-powered job, work a less-than-glamorous job, or simply work an okay job. Those external accomplishments won’t make you any happier if you aren’t happy with yourself.

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Spend some time reflecting on the ways these types of lies might be affecting the way you live your life. There are so many expectations out there in the world when it comes to being a woman and a feminist. Knowing who you are (and not what others tell you that you should be) is critical. Challenge these standards that are imposed on you and the lies that result from them. You are enough just as you are and you deserve to know and believe that!

Most people probably wouldn't get so worked up over water bottles. But as a young feminist, when my grandma told me to let my younger brother carry the heavy case of Aquafina, I was livid. "Seriously?!" I thought, "why does she think I'm so dainty and weak?!"

Feminism was in my blood from the beginning, it seems. In Kindergarten when a boy tried to chase me around the playground, I ran for a bit and then stopped, paused, and confronted him. "Why are you chasing me?"

"Uh, I dunno..." he muttered.

"Well, I'M going to chase YOU then."

I was never one to be mistaken for meek and mild.

My college applications essay was about joining an all-male game of baseball at a relative's graduation party. I proudly described how I refused to sit idly by with the other girls, and instead stood tall as I approached the pitcher and asked which team I should join. I was determined not to let being a woman hold me back from anything. I was proud to be a woman - a woman who could be just like the guys.

I was proud to be a woman - a woman who could be just like the guys.

When I started dating, things changed. I began to be confronted with the depth of my own emotions. St. Edith Stein wrote that, "The strength of woman lies in the emotional life." And yet, these emotions didn't make me feel strong at all - they just made me feel... vulnerable.

Like most modern feminists, being vulnerable was not exactly the image I was pursuing for myself. I was a feminist. That meant I was powerful, and strong. To be vulnerable was to be fragile and worst of all - weak. So I avoided those feelings; I hid them in my increasingly fragile heart.

At a certain point, I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't hold it in. I wasn't strong. I was weak. I was vulnerable. Honestly? I was a mess.

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By some miracle, and maybe a bit of luck (or rather, grace) I decided to seek out God. My desperate logic reasoned that, since I was already vulnerable, why not let Him join me there, too? I was finally weak enough to be - humble. Maybe that's what St. Paul meant when he said "power is made perfect in weakness...for when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Cor. 12:9).

Feminism, by it's definition, is the belief that men and woman are equal. But in those moments of vulnerability, God revealed something to me - I didn't believe that. In understanding emotions and vulnerability as a weakness, I saw these feminine qualities as something that made women less.

So it turns out God was a much better feminist than me, after all.

So it turns out God was a much better feminist than me, after all.

During this period of my life, I stumbled into a whole new world of thought - Catholic feminism. This wasn't the modern feminist movement that also saw femininity as weak, and championed women turning themselves into poor imitations of men. No, this breed of feminism challenged me to acknowledge that I wasn't "just like the guys." and that perhaps, this was my strength.

People like St. Edith Stein, St. John Paul II, Helen Alvare, Lisa Cotter, Catherine Pakulak, and Erika Bachiochi, all nourished this growing hunger I had for truth - for the truth about women and the truth about myself.

You see, God knew I was a feminist. And He knew that for as much as I believed that women are powerful and strong, I didn't know why we are powerful and strong. Which meant I couldn't embrace the depth of my own strength. An authentically feminine strength.

He taught me that He knew me better than I knew myself.

Our God is a loving God. He is a trusting God. He trusted women with the most vulnerable part of Himself - His own son. All so that He could meet us in our own vulnerability, too. To help us become the strongest, most joyful, most authentic versions of ourselves.

Now I finally trust Him to help me do that.

Do we really get Mary?

We know God made her perfectly sinless. She needed to be perfect because Jesus would take His human nature from her. That's why she was humble, meek, and so, so good.

And that is where we get stuck.

Everybody focuses on Mary's goodness. Some see her as a model disciple and try to be like her. Some seek refuge in her caring maternal arms and ask for her help. Some even dismiss her all together as out of their league, preferring saints who were sinners first.

Holy pictures feature a serene, dutiful Mary – definitely not a troublemaker here. In movies, she comes off as someone who'd make a great babysitter. You get the idea that filmmakers have way more fun with Peter or Judas than with the predictably good, frankly boring character of Mary.

Hello? Perfect goodness Mary had. But perfect goodness was not ALL she had.

Let us look at the only other perfect human beings God every created – Adam and Eve – and we will find out just what Mary had going for her.

Adam and Eve were created smart. If tests had been invented, they wouldn't have had to cram for them. They would remember everything they had learned. Nothing was hard for them. We get a glimpse of what this must have been like everytime a genius comes alone. Leonardo da Vinci, Mozart, Shakespeare – all possessed a trickle of the run-off from our original state of perfection. They show us how talented man was originally created to be.

That was Mary. Unlike Adam and Eve, she didn't blow it. Beyond not being ignorant, she also did not have a weak will or the tendency to do stupid things called sins. This made her beyond smart; it made her wise.

This means that if God had so willed to give her the job of Ruler of the Roman Empire, she would have done a bang up job. And we wouldn't be forced to settle for Cleopatra or Hetsheptsut as examples of powerful women excelling in a man's world.

But God didn't want that job for her. He gave her the job of bearing and raising a Child, and wiping the crumbs from the table and feeding the pigeons and making lots and lots of matza. We think of that job as pretty mediocre and so we portray Mary as mediocre. This only goes to show how mediocre WE are.

Then there's the fact that she doesn't have a lot to say. And when she does talk, she seems confused. “Where have you been? We've been looking all over for you!” Nobody seems to notice the fact that she came up with the Magnificat right on the spot. God inspired it but did He write it? It is said that Mozart was inspired to write the Ave Verum while on a procession. Then he went home and sweated out the details. Mary didn't have to bother with all of that.

Or perhaps we think she was simple minded because of the question she asked the Angel Gabriel: “How can this be for I do not know man?” So let's go there. In the first place she had no doubt about it. We know this because Zachariah asked a slightly different question of the same angel and was struck dumb for doubting. Was Mary simply bewildered and naïve so the angel didn't hold it against her? There is a third possibility. Mary knew clearly that the Conception of Jesus would NOT happen in the usual way. She obviously had a solid grasp of what the usual way entailed - despite being very young and living in a very sheltered community, which just adds to my point about her not having to puzzle stuff out like the rest of us. She simply wanted to know how God was going to do it. The question starts with the word “How” not “Wait, this makes no sense!” So the angel explains it: “The Holy Spirit shall come upon you and the power of the Most High shall overshadow you.” Mary then submits to the total awesomeness of what is about to happen.

Back to films. I can think of one notable exception to Babysitter Mary, and that is the Mary of the film, The Passion of the Christ. THAT Mary is a Mary who indeed has all the usual qualities we associate with her – serenity, approachability, and not a lot of lines. But she is an intelligent Mary, a woman par excellence. She is the Mother of the Perfect Man and let me tell you, the apple does not fall far from the tree. You can take her seriously. You can respect her. She is someone you would go to for advice and she would never steer you wrong.

This is the Mary people need to know. Or at least it's a good start. Learn more about this fascinating and complex person by meditating on the Litany of Loretto, which lists some of her better known titles. Mother Most Banal is not one of them. Mother of Good Counsel is. So is Virgin Most Prudent and Seat of Wisdom. While it's right that we appreciate the goodness of Mary, let's not stop there. She was the smartest woman the world has ever known. Mother most Brilliant, pray for us.

This article was first published in Catholic Digest.

"I used to think Mary was totally unrelatable (she's perfect, after all...) and this was one of the first books I read that really made her seem human to me." - Samantha Povlock

This Lent, why not walk alongside the woman who knew Jesus best?

Find Walking with Mary by Dr. Edward Sri here: